


The Death and Life of Sebastian Stan

by Jean Genie (LetYourselfGo), sidnihoudini



Series: Together Together [1]
Category: Actor RPF, Marvel Cinematic Universe RPF, Real Person Fiction
Genre: Angst, Broken hearted Sebastian, Canadian gays representing, Codependency, Daddy Kink (mild), Deep Throating, Evanstan through the last 10 years, Facials, French Canadian Twinks and their healing dicks, Jessica Chastain is a good hag, Language Kink, M/M, Orgasm Denial, Rimming, Sebastian Stan/Chris Evans (always because of feels), Sebastian Stan/Chris Evans (past), Sebastian gets on top, Set in November and December 2017, Sexual Fluidity, Tall and smol, The New Sebastian, Top Sebastian Stan, VERY VERY HOT GAY PORN, a story for adults, angsty angst, fluid exchange, gay culture, happy sebastian, possible Dead Dove: Do Not Eat warning for some people, sad evanstan, sexually fluid Sebastian Stan, unabashed sexuality
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-01
Updated: 2018-01-06
Packaged: 2019-02-26 11:29:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 31,822
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13234761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LetYourselfGo/pseuds/Jean%20Genie, https://archiveofourown.org/users/sidnihoudini/pseuds/sidnihoudini
Summary: “So Sébastien,”  Xavier took back the cigarette without looking.  “Is your girlfriend here tonight?”“I, uh, I don’t have a girlfriend anymore.”“So you had a girlfriend once in your life.”That smirk, that cheeky little smirk.“Yes.  That’s exactly it.”  Sebastian said, not breaking.“How about a boyfriend?”Sebastian faltered for just a second at this, and Xavier saw it, that astute gaze missing nothing. “Uh, no, no boyfriend either.”_______aka a reaction to Xavier Dolan, of lusting openly after Sebastian Stan fame, leaving the I, Tonya premiere in LA on Dec 6th, 2017 with Sebastian/an angsty story about the current state of Evanstan/an intense amount of very dirty gay sex written by smut master Sidnihoudini.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> **Here’s a quick list of why you would read this very unique evanstan story:**  
> 
> If you want read this as a moment in the evanstan relationship where things are rough but they are ultimately end game considering that we don’t know what will happen in the future then go for it. This is about Chris and Sebastian as realistic people who are capable to making mistakes. If you're open minded, then read this story.
> 
> If you want to read this as angst, and that’s it, you’ll get it. If you want to press the bruise of Chris with Jenny Slate and Sebastian being with someone else, then this is the story for you.
> 
> If you have loved both Sebastian and Chris, but now believe, after all these years and because of Chris as he is now, that Sebastian deserves someone better, then read this. (Especially if you’re a fan of Xavier Dolan, the French Canadian actor/director who is an out, unabashed gay man.)
> 
> If you want to read this as gay porn, because you think the idea of Sebastian railing this beautiful little Quebecois twink who is totally DTF, then this is DEFINITELY the story for you, because it’s full of porn, VERY HOT PORN. Like eyeball melting, will haunt you afterwards porn. 
> 
> If you have an understand of or are open minded about the subtle types of behaviour between sexually fluid and/or gay men, and can see the interaction btwn Sebastian and Xavier Dolan when they were together after the LA _I, Tonya_ premiere as such, then this is definitely a story for you. 
> 
> If you want to read this as an examination of queerdom within Hollywood, and relationships, codependency, and intimacy in many different forms, then you will enjoy this.
> 
> If you want to read this as the mutual conjecture character examinations that Sid and I have come up, and our interpretation of the interactions between Chris, Seb, Xavier, Jenny and a small smattering of other people in their lives, then yes read this.
> 
> But there is also a Dead Dove: Do No Eat warning here. If you’re committed to Evanstan, and do not see fault with them, if you believe it to be real, to still be happening, then do not read this story. If after all of these warnings you decide to read this and then say shitty things to us, then that’s on you. Your comment will not be posted, read or responded to.
> 
> **[Make sure you have read the amazing sequel by Sid here, so perfectly written from Chris's POV.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/13234965/chapters/30273723)If you’d like to know the events referenced in here, [please check out the timeline Sid and I made here.](https://sidnihoudini.tumblr.com/post/169198860195/together-together-series-timeline) And [if you’d like to know how we interpreted these events into this story, you can read about that here.](http://homicidalbrunette.tumblr.com/post/169200729072/portrait-of-the-writers-homicidalbrunette-aka) Most importantly [here's the video of Sebastian and Xavier leaving the I, Tonya premiere,](https://youtu.be/SPYxqcta-os?t=1m43s) and gifs of it [here](http://bbuchanann.tumblr.com/post/168399547499/sebastian-stan-and-xavier-dolan-at-the-i-tonya) and [here](http://bbuchanann.tumblr.com/post/168759507417/xavier-waiting-for-his-man-to-get-in-the-car) by the lovely [bbuchanann](http://bbuchanann.tumblr.com/) And also Sid made [a tumblr of all the related social media moments/etc that align Sebastian and Xavier,](https://sebandxavier.tumblr.com/) repeatedly, so you can see just where we're getting this idea that maybe this is something that happened.**
> 
> **PLEASE NOTE: This story is fiction, based on conjecture from true events. THIS IS NOT TRUE.**

November 13th, 2017

 

Carnegie fucking Hall.

He imagined going back and telling that awkward kinda chubby kid he was in the ninth grade that one day he’d be performing on stage at Carnegie Hall. Telling him that the movie you’re in goes off like a bomb when it premieres, having people immediately talk about it being nominated for an Oscar. About having some of the people that Sebastian thought he could have only dreamed of working with contacting him to ask if he would audition for their projects.

That kid would have never believed it could be real. Neither did Sebastian.

Tonight on stage, looking at all those hundreds of faces in that sacred theatre, he could feel the heat of the lights, the sound of his voice echoing through that huge space, but he still didn’t feel like he was really there.

Sebastian no longer trusted his own sense of happiness. Not now, not after everything he had thought was real turned out to be actually nothing, a fantasy. It had only been a few months before that he had thought that there was something beginning, something being given to him, and it made him inexplicably happy. That happiness had been tangible, he could physically feel it in his chest, so warm and bright it almost hurt to breathe.

Then suddenly there was nothing.

So if that wasn’t real, how could all that was happening now be? How could he believe that these things, these accolades, this attention, this applause, these opportunities were real. How could these dreams he’d had for so long be actually happening when that bright hope had never been real in the first place.

 

He wouldn’t have waited if there hadn’t been anything to wait for. He would have done what he did every other time they parted ways, he would have said goodbye to Chris, and fallen into the void between movies where they had no contact whatsoever.

But this time was different. He was going to be Cap’s Bucky again for a long time, for months and months. It was unprecedented. They’d always had a firm time limit, and Sebastian knew Chris was able to be the way he was with him because he knew their time was finite. There was a safety, for Chris, in falling into this space with him, because eventually he would go back to Boston and LA and whatever was waiting there.

It would always be bittersweet but Sebastian gratefully took what little he could get. Those moments, the brief months where he got to sneak beyond the walls that Chris had around him, all of his fears isolating him, and take care of him, comfort him, that always felt so right, like it was what Sebastian was meant to do.

He understood Chris’s limitations. He had them himself. Especially in the beginning, almost a decade ago, there wasn’t the kind of acceptance of out gay actors that there was now. While that had changed, it was still the same when it came to the Marvel movies. This was a corporation, and these movies were billion dollar makers, and there was no space for a Captain America being loved by Bucky Barnes in them, let alone the actors who played them.

Everything had to be private, unspoken, behind closed doors, never directly addressed. Sebastian couldn’t ever once recall them defining what they were to each other as anything other than coworkers and friends. Not even when he’d fallen asleep with his head laying on Chris’s naked chest by the next morning he was no different to Chris than Scarlett or Mackie or RDJ.

_Actor Sebastian Stan plays right hand man to Captain America (Chris Evans.)_

_“Yeah, you know, Chris, he’s such a generous actor.”_

_“It’s always nice knowing you’re going to work with someone like Sebastian.”_

 

The fight training had started in February, right after Sebastian had wrapped I, Tonya and right before he started on The Last Full Measure in Atlanta. He’d had this feeling, he thought it was just a ridiculous hope at the time, that I, Tonya was going to be something, that he’d just been in a really amazing film and that this might mean something to his career and where he was able to go from there.

It was the opposite once he started to actually film for Marvel. Sebastian began to get a sense of just what these two big Avengers movies were going to be. They were going to be about Chris, Mark, RDJ, Scarlett, Hemsworth and Renner. The rest of the actors, dozens of characters, they were all there to support those narratives.

That lack of development of Sebastian’s character in the final edit of Civil War was glaringly apparent here. Bucky was, essentially, despite all of the posturing and articles, Captain America’s sidekick. Sebastian would be on set for two, maybe three days tops, and then not have to go back for weeks. He started to wonder if he was even going to be in the movie at all after they edited everything down to the usual two and a half hours.

The set would always be so busy, so full of people that in the beginning he never saw Chris alone or out of character. He usually only saw him when they would get handed a page of dialogue that they would rehearse quickly and then film immediately. Sebastian didn’t know what the dialogue meant most of the time. All of the reporters asking him about what happened in the movie were just as clueless as he was.

Despite all of these actors being on set, all of these people that Chris had been working with even longer than with him, Chris would still be so excited, grateful even, to see Sebastian. He started to text him more, once or twice a day, then back and forth throughout the whole day, week, month. Whenever Sebastian had a break filming his other movie he would go over to Chris’s rented house. They would eat skinless salmon steaks and protein shakes and smoke a joint and talk about anything and everything.

He still expected nothing. He knew that Chris didn’t drink when he was in training and filming, and that usually the moments he would have Chris, usually on set or in his trailer, that he would be sober, but still happy and even relaxed.

But this was more different than the other movies. Chris seemed more present and focused than Sebastian had ever seen him. There was Chris, stretched out on a couch next to him, laughing and talking and responding to him with such ease. Maybe it was the fact that he had consistently been around all of the cast who supported and loved him, but he was so assured. Sebastian watched him with wonder, seeing Chris as he always believed him to be. A funny, kind man, gentle and unassuming. Suddenly it wasn’t uncertain hands pulling Sebastian to him.  There were those blue eyes, clear and full of truth, looking at him with what Sebastian knew, he knew it, he knew it was love.

When it was time for Chris to leave, to go to South Africa, Sebastian knew Chris was scared, was worried about the isolation. He’d promised that if Chris texted him whenever he was lonely and that he would be there, he would answer. He remembered, would always remember, that last day in LA, being held tightly in Chris’s arms, his beard rasping against his cheek as Chris whispered _I love you Seb_ into his ear. It had been almost a decade and he’d never said it, not even when Sebastian had said it to him the year before. Finally Sebastian had that truth, and he’d breathed it in deep, as deep as he could.

 

It was Jessica who had gotten him into the cast of players for The Children’s Monologues. He didn’t know how he’d even come to mind, considering he hadn’t seen her in months, let alone messaged her. She’d called him the week before and told him what was happening. He’d been completely floored by the opportunity, and squeaked out a thank you that she waved off.

“You deserve this, Sebastian. You’re an amazing actor, and you deserve this.” She had told him in that no-bullshit tone of hers, and it had given Sebastian a sense of assurance that he hadn’t had in a long while.

 

Even though he was supposed to be comforting Chris while he was gone, Sebastian too had been so soothed by what ended up being continuous texting, never really stopping, then phone calls, then Facetiming.

Chris started to actually open up to him, and told him so many things about himself that Sebastian didn’t think he’d ever told anyone. Sebastian had gratefully taken these secrets within him, protecting them, and assuring Chris that his fears were unfounded, that he was talented and wonderful, that the man he loved was strong and confident. Then they started to make plans, to talk about the future, how Chris, with all his talent and connections, could make things happen, and that Sebastian could be there with him, helping him, supporting him.

Then it progressed, Chris would actually call him (“takes so fucking long for me to text!”) and Sebastian would stretch out on his couch, in his trailer in the afternoon, out walking the streets of the city while they talked for hours about all of the things that they were going to do, this script Chris wanted to direct that Sebastian could star in, and they could get a production company or something started, and then they could have an office in the house, the house they were going to share in LA.

Then Chris had wanted to Facetime, and he would get a show, Chris laying on his bed and he watched blue eyes get heavy lidded, lips bitten red, and the sound of Chris coming, making him shiver all over, but he would bite back his own noises, his words, until he’d see Chris drift off, then he would come so quickly, murmuring Chris’s name to the unresponsive image.

In August, Sebastian started to put things in motion for this future he and Chris were planning. He finally broke it off with Margo after the back and forth cycle they’d been locked in for so long. He started to tell his friends that he was going to be spending more time in LA, maybe even moving there.

He had one of the best birthdays, surrounded by all the awesome people in his life, but made the most special by a package arriving from Boston. Chris had gotten him mom to make angel food cake, the dessert that Chris would always have for his birthday. She’s put in a note saying that Chris specially requested it for his friend Sebastian ( _friend?_ ) and who was she to refuse. Sebastian had called Chris so he could thank him, and then ate it for him, thanking him again and again for being so sweet, for getting him such a wonderful, thoughtful gift.

In the weeks afterward, through the rest of August, things started to change. It was subtle, but Chris started to back away, responding slower to Sebastian’s texts, being vague about certain things that they had talked about. By September Chris had stopped answering him altogether,  not even answering him the day he was supposed to fly into New York and come straight to Sebastian's door.  

Sebastian didn't know what to do with that, but didn't want to assume the worst, couldn't assume the worst considering all the plans they had made.  He went from figuring that Chris was busy with his family and that’s why he wasn’t answering his texts, to leaving these joking voicemails about how Chris should untangle himself from Dodger and call him, to a series of _where are you?_ and _why aren’t you answering me???_ texts, cringing at his own neediness, but these all went unanswered. This silence screamed in Sebastian’s head, and he had to know, he had to know what was happening. He and all of that sparkling hope had gone down to Atlanta, with those first sharp cuts of fear starting to pierce through the future Chris had been creating with him. It ended up being Mackie who told him how Chris had lost one of his best friends the week before.

All of those plans, they weren’t going to happen, were never going to happen, and any disappointment he might have felt about it was selfish. Chris had just had this horrible thing happen, and Sebastian had no right to ask anything of him. Sebastian started to rethink what they had said to each other, knowing that he had a tendency to expect too much from people, Chris especially. He felt foolish then, knowing that he had created all these stupid plans, that he had made it all up in his mind, and that, in the end, it had all been without substance, noncoperal. Nonexistent.

They talked once after that. Chris had called him, finally, and in a detached tone told him about how the funeral was and that he was at his mom’s now and he didn’t know where he was going to be next week.

“Hey, congrats on your movie.” He’d said, and suddenly, any of the success and excitement Sebastian had felt at TIFF the week before felt like bitterness on his tongue. Sebastian had to stop himself from apologizing.

And then it was done.

 

He tugged on the neck of the sweater with an annoyed huff. He’d seen all these pictures of Armie Hammer doing press for Call Me By Your Name wearing a turtleneck and he’d looked so classic, so Cary Grant, that Sebastian thought, hey, I’m the new face of Hugo Boss, I can wear a fucking turtleneck like that. Instead he just felt like he was being choked by a cashmere soft hand, which, when he thought about it, was a pretty good analogy for his life at that point.

He was going to just duck out when he felt someone grab his wrist. He turned around to see Jessica grinning that wicked grin of hers, all shining eyes and vivid hair.

“Hey baby!” She said as she pulled him to her, squeezing him close and surrounding him with her perfume and warmth. “Where do you think you’re going?”

“Oh, uh, I just, I’m so bagged, I was at this, um, thing in Rhode Island all weekend…”

“I know you went to a fan convention instead of the Governors Awards with me, Sebastian.” She said, eyebrow quirked, and he blushed at being caught.

“Thank you Jessica, for this chance.”

“You were fantastic, Sebastian. As I knew you would be.” She paused then, her grin still full of mischief. He knew her well enough to know that this meant she was planning something. “Give me your hand.”

He reached out and she took his hand in hers and tugged it to get him to follow her. She weaved her way through the people, occasionally stopping to say hello and press a kiss to a cheek, but never letting go of Sebastian.

“Where are we going?” He asked as they got to the foyer. Only then did she turn towards him.

“To the next phase of your life, silly.”

She turned back to push open the big ornate front doors. The November air hit Sebastian full on, and he took in a deep breath of it. He felt the cold run through him, and suddenly the turtleneck wasn’t choking him anymore.

Jessica went over to where people had congregated to smoke, actors and millionaires milling about, shivering in the cold. She stopped next to a man in a bright blue tuxedo with a shirt that had an op art print of lemons on it. He was slight in his build and height, banana peel blonde hair with dark roots, and looking down at his phone as he pulled a tight drag off a cigarette pressed between his thumb and forefinger.

When he looked up, dark, sharp eyes went right to Sebastian’s. The corner of his mouth curled up in a smirk that would end up being Sebastian’s redemption and his weakness.

“You must be Sébastien Stan,” he said, the French accent and the smoke lazily wrapping around his name.

“Uh, yeah, that’s me.”

“This is my friend Xavier.” Jessica said.

Sebastian didn’t really register what Jessica had said at first. Everything seemed to stop for a moment, and Sebastian was caught, taking in this boy in front of him, this beautiful, beautiful boy.

Recognition dawned on him. It was the same Xavier who Jessica had made sure he and everyone else on Instagram know had a crush on Sebastian, Xavier Dolan, this insanely talented director who had been making films since he was 19, and now at 28 was about to release a picture starring Jessica, amoungst other big names. Sebastian had been immensely flattered by Xavier's crush on him but knew that it was more of a joke than anything serious, despite how much it had made him blush.

He realized that he had taken too long to respond and hurriedly extended a hand, which Xavier took.

“I feel like I already know you, considering that we posed for that picture Jessica posted.”

“Oh I think we can know one another better than that, Sébastien.” Then, barely there at all, was Xavier’s middle finger tracing the inside of his palm.

And like a flip being switched, everything suddenly came alive again.

From that point in his hand, long tendrils of awareness wove their way through his whole body, and he felt it all, felt everything. He felt the prickling cold of a New York night in the late fall against his face, the rush and scream of the traffic that was like a lullaby to him in its familiarity, the almost nutty warm smell of the cigarette burning between Xavier’s fingers.  Sebastian settled back on his heels, feeling his shoulders relaxing.

He let go of his hand then, and Sebastian watched those fingertips tracing down the silk of his lapel.

“This turtleneck, it is very Armie Hammer.”

Sebastian laughed instantly at this.

“Yes! Thank you!” He said, smiling like a fool at him, so happy that someone understood what he had been trying to do.

“I don’t know, I think you look more like a French psychologist.” Jessica said around the cigarette she now had clenched between her teeth.

Xavier growled at her in French then and she had put her hands up in surrender.

“I have to tell you, I saw Mommy, and I mean, I know this is like the Hollywood thing to do, but fuck, what an amazing movie.” Sebastian said excitedly. “I grew up with a single mom, so yeah, it, it really resonated with me. My mom and I, we just….you really got that connection, and showed how it is to be cherished like that, how it holds you in and just, sometimes too much, sometimes not enough. And that shot, the pushing open the frame, that was fucking revolutionary. I lost it in the theatre when I saw that.”

Even though Sebastian knew that he’d probably heard that a thousand times over, Xavier’s reaction seemed genuine. A series of emotions flashed through his eyes in mere seconds, but Sebastian could read all of them, like it was a language he didn’t know he spoke.

“You saw it in the theatre?” The smirk turned into this smile so guileless it was like a little boy’s.

“Yeah, of course!”

Then that smirk was back as he gave Sebastian one long sweeping glance, his eyes moving from Sebastian’s down to his shoulders, chest, torso, legs, then back up again. Sebastian felt the gaze as it moved over him, felt it he was naked under it.

“You were good tonight.” When Xavier said it, it was without any flattery. He stated it like a fact.

“Yeah, uh, thank you, I mean, everyone else was so…”

“No, I was talking about you.” And there was no room for argument. This wasn’t a confidence boost. This was the truth.

Sebastian stopped then, felt his head tilt slightly as he really looked at him. Saw the big inky black eyes looking up at him, the slight upwards tip of the nose that, combined with his slightness made him look almost elfin like. All until you saw that mouth. That was a mouth that was made for sin.

Sebastian felt that shiver run through him again, his cock twitching at the sight of that upper lip, of the dent above it. Xavier brought his cigarette up to his lips again, because he knew Sebastian was looking. After taking a drag, he let the smoke crawl out, trailing up over his face.

He held up the cigarette to Sebastian then, offering it. Without thought, even though he hadn’t smoked in over a year, Sebastian took it, and put it to his own mouth, and pressed his own lips to the filter that was ever so slightly damp from Xavier’s kiss around it.

And with this Sebastian knew what was real again. That heat in his groin, spreading out to his fingertips, his own mouth, that was real. Xavier’s sharp eyes, seeing him, that was real. This boy, radiating sensuality and mischievousness, eyes locked with his, was seeing him, really seeing him, without Sebastian having to say anything. Something happened, something clicked into place, something Sebastian saw in Xavier’s face as well.

“Okay, boys, time for me to go back inside.” Sebastian jumped a bit, having completely forgotten that Jessica was there. She pressed a kiss to Sebastian’s cheek, then whispered something in French to Xavier, to which he responded by making a stink face at her like a kid would.

“Jessica, again, seriously, thank you so much for thinking of me for this. I really, I just, I needed something like this.”

“I know, baby. Margot and I had a hag confab last month and I knew exactly what would help make things right again.”

She was gone with a wave and then suddenly it was just him and this boy, and all of this potential between them.

“So Sébastien,” Xavier took back the cigarette without looking. “Is your girlfriend here tonight?”

“I, uh, I don’t have a girlfriend anymore.”

“So you had a girlfriend once in your life.”

That smirk, that cheeky little smirk.

“Yes. That’s exactly it.” Sebastian said, not breaking.

“How about a boyfriend?”

Sebastian faltered for just a second at this, and Xavier saw it, that astute gaze missing nothing. “Uh, no, no boyfriend either.”

“Well that is just such an amazing coincidence.” The smirk turned into the most impudent smile Sebastian had ever seen. “Because I currently do not have a boyfriend either.”

Sebastian huffed out a surprised breath, his cheeks burning at how forward this was, how blatant. He tried his best not to practically sputter in reply, laughing nervously instead.

He watched as Xavier dropped the cigarette and crushed in under one of his teal snakeskin shoes.

“So what shall we do now?”

This was a dare. He was pushing Sebastian, prodding him, to see what he would do. Sebastian didn’t know how he knew that, but he did. He took in a deep breath, slowly lifting his chin as he did, looking down at this audacious boy. Sebastian felt his own presence then, had this opening sense of his own body, his shoulders and chest broad from months of intense working out, his own physique something that he went from being shyly proud of to boldly presenting it, the deep breath pressing his chest forward. He did his quick preening gesture of flicking his hair back and slid his hands into his pockets.

“I think we should have another cigarette.” He said, voice even, with a slight smile that he couldn’t hold back.

“We can certainly start there.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fall in love/lust with the bundle of silly and unabashed sexuality that is French Canadian director/actor Xavier Dolan [here on my tag on tumblr for him](http://homicidalbrunette.tumblr.com/tagged/xavier-dolan), and check out [The New Sebastian](http://homicidalbrunette.tumblr.com/tagged/the-new-sebastian) for just how much happier he's been, and [my Get On Top tag for everything pertaining to this story. ](http://homicidalbrunette.tumblr.com/tagged/get-on-top) I've also made [a Spotify playlist for this fic that I listened to while writing it.](https://open.spotify.com/user/jeanjeanieramsay/playlist/6uwceGrlbS7zWAyAeA2ZAk)
> 
> WELCOME MY CHILDREN TO THE DARK UNDERGROUND. It honestly just gets dirtier from this point on. So brace yourself.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here comes the eye meltingly hot porn by Sid!

Xavier hadn’t let him leave without his number.

“Give me your phone.” He said reaching out for it. Sebastian unlocked it and handed it to him.

“Oh, an iPhone 7! So vintage.” Xavier didn’t even look up to deliver this bit of sass, missing Sebastian biting back his response with an amused huff.

“Yeah I’ll call you, and maybe we could talk about your next project, if you want. I mean, I’m definitely interesting in working with you.” He said as he watched Xavier type unbelievably fast and then hand back his phone to him.

“We can talk about that. Or we can talk about other things.” He flicked his cigarette then, a flash of orange fire in the dark. “We could talk about all of the things that you want to do to me.”

Before Sebastian could respond, Xavier was walking towards the street.

“I’m only here until the day after tomorrow, Sébastien Stan.”

With that he flagged down a cab and got in, not looking back.

When Sebastian checked his contacts, he saw Xavier had added himself as That Hot Quebecois Dude You Should Fuck.

 

He wanted to instantly call him, to tell him to come back. His finger pressed the call button before he could even think about it, but just as quickly he pressed it again, hanging up.

Sebastian realized that he did know what this was. It was something he knew about from a lifetime ago, back when he was new to the city, new to his career, new to all the attention his looks were getting him. Back when he would go to the bars and see these beautiful men watching him as he danced, some older, some just with the same confidence and sense of self even though they were just as young as he was. He remembered the way he would talk to these men, the brazen flirting, the silliness covering the wicked intent, seeing if this man was capable of taking him in hand, putting him in his place.

Here he was now, fifteen plus years later, and he was on the other side of it now. He was the one being played with.

This wasn’t like those years of always considering Chris’s ever present needs. This wasn’t about having someone that he needed to prop up. This wasn’t about Sebastian having to be the support, the sidekick, the voice on the end of the telephone.

This was a beautiful boy with a sinful mouth waiting to see if Sebastian could handle him, could take his strong will and bend it, to make him behave, to do to him what Sebastian wanted.

Sebastian waited until the next evening, when he texted Xavier and asked him to come over to his place.

 

Sebastian had already jerked off twice the night before and three times that day just at the idea of Xavier being in his apartment, at the memory of that mouth wrapped around a cigarette, at the thought of that slender body under his hands, holding him, moving him, pressing him down. He thought this would take the edge off, but by the time Xavier came through the door, he was half hard again.

“Drink?” He asked, moving nervously through the apartment to the kitchen. He was uncertain here, didn’t know where to go, where to look, what to do. “Um, I have beer?”

“Do I look like I drink beer?” Came the dry response.

This stopped Sebastian short, and he turned away from the fridge. Xavier was there with that fucking smirk on his face again. Sebastian raised his eyebrows then, unimpressed.

“I haven’t seen enough of you to know what you drink, Xavier.” He held that gaze steady. He saw Xavier’s expression change ever so slightly.

“You have any wine in your house, Se-bash-teen Stan?” He said, exaggerating the English pronunciation of his name.

“I do.” Sebastian pulled out a bottle of Merlot he had gotten in Barcelona, and proceeded to open it and pour two glasses.

He couldn’t think of what to say while he was doing this, and the silence started to stretch on too long. He put the glasses down on the counter between them and he felt his own eyes unable to meet his Xavier’s.

“I’m sorry, I haven’t done this in awhile.”

Xavier didn’t answer right away, and that made Sebastian look up finally.

“This?”

There was a kindness there that Sebastian hadn’t been expecting. He didn’t know why he hadn’t been, but in passing he thought about how this kind of intimacy seemed to make him think that kindness was rare.

“Just, you know,” he gestured between them, “this.”

Xavier sat down on one of the high stools by the counter.

“Come here.”

They silently looked at each other in that moment, met the other face on. That understanding, him for Xavier, Xavier for him, it was there again, just as brightly as it had the night before in the dark in front of Carnegie Hall. All artifice had fallen away, and they looked at each other truthfully.

Sebastian went then, and stood in front of him. Xavier reached up and wrapped long elegant fingers around the nape of his neck and pulled him down to him, to press those dangerous lips to his.

The simple action of the kiss stunned Sebastian, catching him off-guard with how he responded. It was immediate, both hands coming up to Xavier’s sides, smoothing over his ribs and the points of his elbows and the short slant of his shoulders.

This wasn’t the type of man that Sebastian had kissed before. This wasn’t Chris, his physical equal, and it wasn’t a sweaty club boy to make out with in a sea of a hundred bodies. This was someone to stand in the dark with, someone who made Sebastian feel strange and possessive and strong.

He opened his mouth, floored by how much he just wanted to kiss Xavier, how the curve of his lips already had Sebastian feeling turned inside out, but was surprised when Xavier pressed him backwards. Two hands skimmed down his sides, over the intimate dip of his waist and the slant of his hips.

Sebastian stepped back automatically, but Xavier kept kissing him, and made a little noise in the back of his throat when Sebastian pulled back for a second.

It was nerve wracking, feeling wound up like this, wanting to take and give at the same time. They watched each other, panting, Xavier looking awfully pleased with himself and Sebastian feeling that way too, until Xavier’s fingers tightened in the fabric of his shirt and he directed him backwards with purpose.

There was nothing to think about, no need to second guess or turn his head when he had Xavier staring at him like this, intense and focused and a little bit bratty.

Sebastian watched back, stunned, and then laughed when his heels bumped into the leg of a kitchen chair.

“I believe I have found the spot,” Xavier announced. He pushed Sebastian back with one hand, and held onto his fingers with the other as Sebastian leaned down and sat in the chair.

He didn’t mean to, but the fingers tangled with Xavier’s tightened, and then they were looking at each other again, connected in a way that Sebastian just couldn’t shake. He let out a breath - one that was shaky, full of good adrenaline - and watched, stunned, as Xavier began to tug down his fly.

There was no indecision in the curve of his fingers. He got Sebastian unbuttoned and unzipped, and that’s when Xavier paused, licking his lips, groaning a little in the back of his throat. Sebastian could feel how wet his dick already was, embarrassingly so, and so he reached, prepared to help in some way, but Xavier just smacked his hand to the side.

Sebastian was so startled he laughed, and then cut himself off with a breathy, “Fuck,” when Xavier pulled his dick out properly.

Something in Xavier’s face got brighter. Sebastian didn’t know him well enough, not yet, anyway, to know what it was. He watched, breathing starting to hitch even though Xavier hadn’t done anything to him yet. His pelvic muscles tensed with excitement, dick jerking against his lower belly, as Xavier smirked. Dirty.

This was… it had always been a problem, kind of, at least with the girls, American girls at least, that he’d slept with in New York. He was poised, ready to offer some kind of disclaimer despite the fuck fog in his head, when Xavier leaned into it, and buried his whole face against Sebastian’s lap.

“Oh god,” he swore, one hand jerking up to rest on the back of Xavier’s head, fingers curling into his hair. The other tightened on the side of the chair seat, shocked into place at the feeling of Xavier’s face and open mouth sliding all along the length of his cock.

His breath started coming shorter, and sharper, and he didn’t know what to do, too turned on by the suddenness, the bewilderment, of Xavier wanting him like that.

“You are very lucky,” Xavier teased, leaning his head to the side, so Sebastian could see the structure of his face in the low light. He grinned. “And I am very lucky.”

And then Xavier brought one hand up, and, with no hesitation, wrapped his fingers around the base of Sebastian’s cock, holding it steady as he kissed his open mouth all over the top, lips sucking and tongue wet and relaxed against his foreskin. Sebastian made another noise, tight and choked off, and felt his thighs jump.

He couldn’t help it. His hips flexed, wanting to move, and at first Sebastian held back, not wanting to push too much, but then Xavier was pulling at him, wanting more. Sebastian let out another shaky breath and combed his fingers through Xavier’s hair, tugging it this way and that so he could see the curve of Xavier’s ear and the stubble all along his jaw.

Xavier was beautiful, and unmistakably so.

“Fuck,” he ground out, voice rough, deep.

When Xavier looked up and caught his eye, Sebastian grinned again, swept away by the twinkle he saw there. He bit his lip and groaned soft, watching as Xavier slowly sank down, Sebastian’s dick sliding against the inside of his cheek, and then down still, until Sebastian felt it bump against the back of his throat.

It was such a surprise, no one had ever done that to him before, not like that, that Sebastian couldn’t help the sound that rattled out of him.

Xavier held it there, breathing shallowly, making a little bit of noise around how much Sebastian filled out his mouth, and then sank back, flooding Sebastian’s dick with so much spit Sebastian forgot he had ever been worried about anything at all. He wasn’t going to last much longer, and he knew it, toes curling and calves tightening as Xavier sucked on the exposed head of his dick like it was his favorite thing in the world.

“I’m, ugh,” Sebastian panted, face tightening as he felt himself get knocked even closer to the edge. He rested his hand on Xavier’s cheek briefly, just so he could see what it felt like on the outside, too.

Xavier didn’t back off. He looked up at Sebastian, eyes gigantic and a little bit wet from Sebastian’s cock in his throat, and smirked in that same way - the one that he aimed at Sebastian the night they met.

It hit Sebastian like a surprise, making him jump, and then he was coming.

His head dropped back and it suddenly felt like an exorcism. There was absolutely no stopping it, and Xavier touched him through it, keeping his wet mouth around the top half of Sebastian’s dick, holding on, and his fingers around the bottom. For a long minute, Sebastian just tried to catch his breath, chest heaving as he watched Xavier swallow and then go in for more, sucking along the length of Sebastian’s cock in a way that made him twitch and jerk. He started to paw at Xavier’s head, non-verbal.

Xavier scratched his fingers through the hair on Sebastian’s thighs and sat back, smug.

It was a struggle to get his head back on straight, Sebastian would admit that, but seeing that self-satisfied expression directed his way like that tripped something inside of him that was exciting and new. Sebastian felt himself smiling, and, even though his whole body felt loose with endorphins, he rallied, and brought both hands up to tuck himself back inside his zipper.

When Xavier realized what was happening, that Sebastian was taking his dick away, his whole bottom lip came out.

“I didn’t take you for such a quitter,” he murmured, teasing, and Sebastian could see the light behind Xavier’s eyes, the bratty, impulsive part of him that Sebastian wanted to push.

Sebastian put both feet flat on the floor and stood up, weak kneed.

He didn’t say anything as he tugged Xavier up off the floor, but as Xavier climbed to his feet, holding both of Sebastian’s hands, he made sure Sebastian saw how puffy his lips were, how he still had a flush of red down the front of his throat. Sebastian saw it, alright. That’s why he couldn’t control the grin, exuberant, on his face.

“Where are we going now?” Xavier was asking, letting Sebastian pull and tug at his body, pushing him by the waist and his dipped sides in the direction of Sebastian’s bedroom. “Do you have something interesting to show me on the other side of that door?”

Sebastian didn’t say anything to that, either, but it was hard, and he found himself biting his own lips into his mouth just so he wouldn’t smile as he watched Xavier’s face. It was impossible to look away from the curve of his mouth and the slope of his nose for very long.

Once Xavier was in his bedroom, Sebastian felt something inside him trip, just a little, realizing he’d led this holy creature into the most intimate space he had in the world. Aside from the Bucky Barnes chair he’d left on-set in Atlanta, this was the space that Sebastian had carved out for himself in adulthood.

They seemed to realize what was happening at the same time, because Xavier reached for him, and then hardly seemed surprised when Sebastian accepted his hands, but then directed his body down to the bed.

Sebastian watched Xavier go, body stretching on forever in the dim light of his bedroom. Xavier settled back on the sheets, on top of the blanket Sebastian’s mother got him last year for Christmas, and he did it with such certainty, knowing he belonged here for the night, that it made Sebastian’s gut twist.

He did belong, and Sebastian thought about that as Xavier unfastened his jeans. He watched Xavier stretch, and then it had suddenly been too long, and Sebastian had to touch him. He tugged on each leg of Xavier’s jeans, helping them down, and let his fingers slide under the denim to brush over Xavier’s warm ankles.

As Sebastian set Xavier’s pants to the side, he breathed out hard, somehow shocked at the length of limb and muscle now naked in front of him. Xavier let his knees splay open, doing absolutely nothing to hide the way he was hard in his underwear, and god, Sebastian’s fucked out thoughts snapped right back to regular speed and something small but powerful in his brain told him to crawl.

He’d left the lube right in his bed like some kind of college kid, and Xavier saw that, too, grinning and making a “ahh, tsk, tsk” sound when Sebastian smiled, caught, and lifted it out from under the covers.

It was always strange, having someone new in your bed. Letting them see the coffee cup you left on your night stand and the t-shirt you pulled off the day before just sitting on the ground. Sebastian worried about these things for a minute, wondering if Xavier could see them, if he should have cleaned up, but found himself caught out when Xavier saw the look on his face and pulled him in for a kiss. Sebastian had no choice but to be immediately present because that mouth inspired nothing else.

The kiss lurched away from being just a kiss and all of a sudden Sebastian was propped up on one elbow and pushing the elastic band down over Xavier’s hips. He could perfectly fit Xavier in under his arm, he’d learned that when they were standing in the kitchen, but here, now, it seemed even more obvious. He could rest his whole hand along Xavier’s cock and still have a bend in his elbow.

He looked then, and saw roses tattooed low in the cradle of Xavier’s left hip. It seemed fitting, as if, of course, this elfin creature who seemed to double as a wicked angel would be adorned so beautifully, so intimately.

Xavier’s hips pushed up against his palm and Sebastian felt himself tilt-shift and crash into an intense place of want. He dragged his mouth away from Xavier’s, and tucked down along his jaw, dragging his tongue there as he began to jerk Xavier off. He could feel Xavier grabbing at his shoulder and making short little cut-off breaths, and then his hips began to grind in a wide circle, thighs flexing as Sebastian let him fuck into his hand.

It was electric, getting that kind of response, and Sebastian found himself laughing, full of adrenaline and joy as he abruptly pulled his hand away and Xavier was left fucking the air until he groaned and pawed at Sebastian, bare feet dragging restlessly against the sheets.

That was what drove Sebastian nuts, that look on his face, petulant and demanding and beautiful, and it made Sebastian dive back in, too, groaning into the deep, wet kiss that he drove against Xavier’s lax mouth.

“You’ve been holding out on me, Sébastien,” Xavier managed, and his voice was shaky and desperate even though he was anything but.

Sebastian turned the smirk on him this time and sunk in for one last, long kiss as he wrapped his hand back around Xavier’s hard dick, precome getting all over his fingers and palm.

Xavier began to make noise, whimpering and gasping into Sebastian’s throat, and that’s the reason why Sebastian let go of him again, because all of a sudden the only thing he could do was pull back to strip Xavier’s shirt off and suck down the soft, slight curve of his chest.

By the time he wrapped his fingers back around Xavier’s cock, Xavier was gasping for it, begging in French and thumping his head against the pillow.

Sebastian alternated between jerking Xavier off, and stopping his hand, holding it there for him in a tight fist so he could fuck up into it, groaning and watching Sebastian with hazed out eyes as he did. Sebastian couldn’t stand it, he had to touch him all over, but every time he moved away, Xavier would pull him back in, wide-eyed and as shocked as Sebastian felt inside as he tugged Sebastian up by the collar to kiss.

That’s when Xavier came, with their faces pressed together and both of Xavier’s fists knotted in Sebastian’s shirt. Sebastian jerked him through it and pressed him back against the mattress and groaned when he felt how long Xavier’s muscles were spasming for, even after the orgasm.

They were left like that, Xavier naked with his legs splayed open and Sebastian between them and on top of him, still fully dressed.

“Jesus,” Sebastian breathed, and then he couldn’t help it, he tilted his chin in so they could kiss again, brief, compared to the others they’d shared. He felt Xavier’s fingers loosen their hold, and then tighten again when that kiss almost got carried away, too.

By the time they were done, Sebastian felt ready to go again, but then Xavier was curling his mouth at him in that way he did.

“I know older men need time to get it up again.” Even as he said the words, Sebastian laughed, shocked at how tickled he felt. “Order me dinner, I’m starving.”

Sebastian shook his head and kissed him again and couldn’t stop cracking up, even though all of that.

“I can do that,” he said, because he could.

 

That’s how it was for the remainder of the night, and Sebastian was shocked to discover how little regard he had for their food when he had Xavier right in front of him like that.

He ordered enough delivery for a family of eight because he couldn’t stop staring at Xavier laying ass-up on the bed, and then the restaurant lady was asking him over and over, sir, do you want to call back later?, and that wasn’t what Sebastian wanted at all, because he’d planned on fingering Xavier until he came as soon as the call was done, and so he rattled off the first thing he saw on the menu, enough food for eight, and got off the line right after.

Xavier laid spread across the covers, laughing at him, the entire time.

 

Sebastian didn’t think he could come again but Xavier seemed willing and able to prove him wrong.

“Oh, Jesus,” he gasped, feeling hot and cold all over, and he did come, but it wasn’t much.

He watched, bleary-eyed, as Xavier licked off his fingers and sucked on the webbing between them with a self satisfied smirk on his face.

“That was almost enough,” Xavier told him, smirking.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sebastian literally gets on top

It had been difficult to let Xavier leave that night but he had a plane to catch in the morning and Sebastian had an audition the next afternoon.

It wasn’t until well into the night, sometime around 3, that Xavier actually left. The sex seemed to literally never stop. They would take breathers, finally eating some of the take out that had long since gone cold, but still touching, always touching, both of them in awe at what was happening. Sebastian didn’t know he could feel this good, that his whole body could feel so fucking lit up, that Xavier’s skin against his, slick with sweat and lube and come, was beyond anything, beyond what he had ever felt. He had to touch him, his fingertips meeting around the delicate wrists, the feeling of his weight on Sebastian’s chest, the rasp of the hair on their legs rubbing against each other. And that mouth, that fucking mouth, everywhere, sharp little bites chasing kisses, making Sebastian’s brain short out.

When Xavier finally got to the door, they’d both grabbed one another, Sebastian’s fingers squeezing his upper arms tight as they kissed each other again and again until they were gasping. It was Xavier who pulled away finally, breathless.

“We should do this again sometime.” His dark eyes were shining, his lips swollen red from Sebastian’s body, and he was smiling, giggling, swaying, sex drunk.

“Yeah, yeah. We, yeah,” Sebastian was almost non-verbal at this point, and he watched Xavier get into the elevator and then, predatorily, dip his chin down and run his tongue over his lips, then grinned wickedly at him.

“Maybe next time you’ll fuck me with that big dick of yours.” Xavier said in a low throaty voice as the doors closed and it had knocked the knees out from under Sebastian.

 

Sebastian had no idea what that had been or if it was actually going to happen again. He took it as it was, a moment in his life where he had experienced pure unfiltered physical bliss. It haunted him the next day, then the next, thinking about it, pulling it apart to remember each individual thing they had done, the wantonness of it, the primal need, the unabashed greed. It had awakened something in him, something that hadn’t been there for a long time.

Two days later he was in a taxi on his way to JFK when he got a text from That Hot Quebecois Dude Who He Should Fuck.

_> A young Luke Skywalker, huh? I think you’re looking more like a middle aged Luke Skywalker, doudou._

Sebastian barked out a laugh at this, and felt a rush of that warmth, now hotter than before, in his chest.

Game on, he thought.

_> >Sorry it’s taking me so long to answer, it’s hard for us middle aged men to type quickly._

_> Especially on that flip phone of yours_

While he waited for the door of the plane to close, Sebastian ordered an iPhone X and some more lube.

 

He rented a car at LAX, and sat in Los Angeles traffic for the next three hours. As he sat in the unmoving car he texted with Xavier. Sebastian told him about how the audition had gone, that he’d gotten the part. He was going to be acting opposite Nicole Kidman, who Xavier, of course, knew.

_> You just leveled up on the gay scale being in a movie with her_

_> >I’m pretty sure I leveled up on the gay scale when I had you on your knees in front of me, puișor_

There was a long pause before Xavier answered.

_> Romanian huh? I do love me some Balkan dick_

_> >Yeah you made that pretty apparent the other night_

Sebastian felt giddy, like when he was on the tilt-a-whirl at the fair, spinning around and around, careening about in unbridled delight.

When he went to the AFI Fest screening of I, Tonya it was only the second time he had seen the movie. He wanted to actually watch it this time; he’d spent the entire TIFF screening having his hand squeezed so tightly by Margot she had almost strained his fingers, so he hadn’t been able to really pay attention. Plus Xavier had told him he had to really watch his own performance, even though he knew that most actors hated doing that.

_> Don’t critique yourself. Just watch how you interact with the other characters, how you support Margot. Then use that to see how what you were doing as the character comes across. I expect full report on it by tomorrow, Sebastian Stan._

So he’d done as Xavier had told him to do, and stepped out of the negative, self critical space he usually watched himself in movies in and just took in the performance. When it was done, he could hardly believe how proud of himself he was. He could say, without ego, that he’d completely disappeared into the character, and that there were moments when he felt like he was watching someone else, watching Jeff.

He was too busy to text anyone that evening, but right before he went to bed, he searched his tag on Instagram for the picture he was looking for.

_> >Look who I met tonight. I think you have some competition for my Balkan dick._

He sent Xavier the picture of himself with Timothée Chalamet that had been taken that night where he looked just as smug as he hoped he had at meeting this boy that Xavier had rhapsodized over, after reams of texts about how amazing Call Me By Your Name was and how it was the perfect movie and how it was so good that Xavier felt like he shouldn’t ever make another movie because he could never come close to that, lol, not really, he knew he was the shit.

Xavier answered almost instantly even though it was almost midnight.

_> All I see is a middle aged man in a disgusting mustard turtleneck._

_> Are you wearing green corduroy? Doudou, non._

Sebastian always figured that this was what finally got Xavier riled up enough to make him text him the next morning and tell him he was in the lobby of Sebastian’s hotel.

 

There, the bright sunlight of LA pouring in through the hotel window hiding nothing, Sebastian took him again, and again, the two of them teasing each other and laughing in between those intense overwhelming moments, the heady feeling of them together. This time it was as frenzied as before, but Sebastian could tell that something was changing. It wasn’t the rushed one off like it had been before. He could tell that Xavier had been thinking about their time together as much as he had been, pulling out all the things they had done that had been beyond good.

This time there were moments where he could feel Xavier ceding control to him, where Sebastian put a hand to the back of Xavier’s neck to push him down into the bed with his body over Sebastian’s knees as he pushed the fingers of his other hand into Xavier’s ass. Seeing this astonishing creature give in to him, his body curled up to Sebastian’s, seeking his touch, that wanton mouth open with moans that came from deep within, it was in those moments that Sebastian started to feel a sense of purpose within him, a sense of self. Sebastian would think of it later and liken it to how it felt watching himself on screen in that darkened theatre. That this was him in his element, using all of his skills and knowledge and talent to do something amazing.

 

Fucked out for a brief period of time that afternoon, as Xavier fed Sebastian mango slices as he laid in bed next to him, sucking the juice off his own fingers, he informed Sebastian that he had set up an appointment with the personal shopper at Saks and that Xavier would be styling Sebastian for the rest of the press tour.

“If I see you in another turtleneck, I’m never sucking your dick ever again.” He said, eyebrow cocked, completely serious.

“I promise you will never see me in another turtleneck, puișor.”

“I know what that means now.” Xavier grinned that candid grin then. “A lion cub?”

“Yup.” Sebastian kissed him then, licking the mango juice off that top lip. “Little roaring creature. Deceptively cute. Actually dangerous.”

Xavier’s smile had deepened then, dimpling, his gaze dropping, and Sebastian felt ridiculously proud of himself for making this peacock demur.

 

Xavier was sitting on top of him again.

He looked particularly empyrean from this angle, and even though he’d joked about having three chins and enough stubble to cover all of them, Sebastian couldn’t get enough of it - all of it. He was interested in everything: the length of Xavier’s throat, the width of his jaw, the shell-delicate curve of cartilage at the tip of his nose.

Every time Sebastian looked at Xavier, he smiled.

Sebastian was spending a lot of time smiling lately.

“Do I have something on my face?” Xavier teased. That pleased half-smirk suddenly shaped the twist of his mouth into something naughty, something that made Sebastian groan when coupled with the shift of Xavier’s weight on his belly.

He didn’t have anything on his face, right now, anyway, but Sebastian could fix that.

“Is that an invitation?” Two could play at that game, and Sebastian was pretty content to deal himself in.

With that, he fucked his hips up, lifting Xavier’s weight right off the bed and throwing him off-balance at the same time. Sebastian was strong, but Xavier was fast. He made a squeal of surprise and then started to laugh as he caught himself with one hand landing by Sebastian’s head.

“I understand, doudou.” Xavier laughed, a little out of breath. He tried to school his features into something solemn and sober, but Sebastian could see the delight crackling out from under his expression anyways. “I know older men require seeing things up close before they are able to observe what is going on.”

That made Sebastian throw his head back and laugh.

“I see what I’ve got here.” Even when he spoke, he was cracking himself up, ebbing into laughter and little gasps for air. His eyes crinkled. “A brat.”

Xavier frowned at him with both lips, pouting big.

“Oh, no,” he teased, brushing his nose along Sebastian’s cheek. “I will have to gift you some reading glasses next. Something small to keep in your pocket.”

Sebastian liked the idea of keeping something that reminded him of Xavier, so he didn’t say anything to that. He just smiled and nudged Xavier closer for a kiss.

“You’re small enough to keep in my pocket.” He ran both hands over Xavier’s back and sides. He was hard, had been hard, since they woke up the last time, and that was new. It made Sebastian feel tactile in a way he hadn’t before. “I could pick you up and fuck you standing.”

Sebastian felt Xavier’s dick jump against his belly. Proud of himself, he dipped his head forward to suck a kiss right where Xavier’s ear lobe met his jaw. He let his tongue linger, teasing.

“Is that a promise?” Xavier asked. Now he was squirming against Sebastian. “You could fuck me laying down, first.”

Laughing, lips getting roughed up by Xavier’s stubble, Sebastian teased, “I didn’t realize this was a frequent flyer situation. How many points do I have to rack up before I get to the standing lounge?”

“Just one,” Xavier murmured. “I want to feel your cock in me from behind before anything else.”

Sebastian groaned and brought one hand up to hold onto the side of Xavier’s face as they kissed. Xavier began to reposition himself, rolling over onto his belly and then reaching to hold Sebastian’s face still over his shoulder, so they didn’t have to stop kissing as Sebastian positioned himself on top.

“What else do you want?” His breathing was starting to come short, excited. “Tell me.”

Xavier bit Sebastian’s pillow, and rolled his hips back.

“Don’t use your fingers,” he said, shifting his legs, spreading them open and tilting his pelvis against the mattress so Sebastian had everything he wanted laid out in front of him. “I want you to stretch me on your cock.”

Sebastian found himself starting to shake as he settled in over Xavier’s thighs.

He stared, dazed, as Xavier watched him over his shoulder, comfortably laid against the pillow with his chin tucked against his clavicle. Sebastian held onto Xavier’s thighs with both hands, thumbs scratching over his leg hair, as Xavier rubbed two fingers along his own tailbone, and then down, until they met where his other hand was cradled over his balls.

“Jesus Christ,” Sebastian swore. His nerves were beginning to bubble, that familiar jangle of adrenaline creeping up his spine, but there was something behind the steady way Xavier watched him. It felt like a balm. “Look at all this.”

Xavier’s mouth curled up into a sharp grin, and he teased back, “I am.”

Suddenly a little bashful, Sebastian laughed and leaned in for one last kiss before he stretched for the bedside table. The lube was still sitting on top, he handed that to Xavier, and then he had to rummage around in his bag next to the bed for a condom. This part he knew.

As he put the condom on, he watched Xavier play with himself, teasing two lubey fingers against his hole even though he never went in. Sebastian groaned and dropped over the length of Xavier’s body again, holding himself up with one hand as the other wrapped around his dick.

For a split second he felt the lurch as gravity hit him: that he was about to fuck Xavier, that Xavier would forever be the very first man he came inside. He reached for the lube, open but discarded on the mattress.

“Come, please,” Xavier panted, hips curling inward now as his hand started to linger, fingers pressing harder and for longer. “Fuck me.”

The longer Sebastian took, the more Xavier squirmed, pale thighs shifting against the stark white sheets, bare toes bumping into Sebastian’s ankles. Sebastian felt a cord snap inside when he rested his hand on the left side of Xavier’s ass, and realized that his palm and fingers spanned almost his whole cheek.

“Jesus,” he grit out, and then he was steadying his dick and resting it alongside Xavier’s fingers. When they bumped together, Xavier let out a choked out breath and curled his fingers closer, trying to use them to get Sebastian to go faster. Sebastian clocked it instantly, and said, “Put them above your head.”

Xavier let out a displeased whine, but did as Sebastian said.

“Cruel man,” he tried to say, but then he let out another breathy noise instead, when Sebastian pressed down on the small of his back to get him at the right angle.

This was different than anything Sebastian had ever felt. He couldn’t catch his breath, chest hot, head pounding. All he could do was sink his dick in further, and splay his hands all over Xavier’s body in lieu of reaching those spots with his mouth.

He looked up, foggy-headed, just to make sure Xavier had listened. The sight of those hands twisted up and clutching at each other on top of the pillow made him even hotter inside.

“Work for it,” came tumbling out of Sebastian’s mouth. He knee-jerk reaction was to be horrified with himself, but then Xavier groaned and pushed himself up onto his knees.

Sebastian watched, dumbfounded, as Xavier rolled his ass back, wiggling it from left to right, teasing himself, Sebastian realized, before dropping his head forward and his weight back. It felt so good, so tight, that Sebastian just held on and stared down at where his cock was sinking in.

He realized Xavier was starting to get tired or overstimulated or both when his thighs began to shake, and that too tripped something in Sebastian. He felt it suckerpunch him, and all of a sudden his body took over, and he used his weight to press Xavier flat again, one hand on his back to stop him from squirming.

Xavier looked back over his shoulder, and his face was exactly how Sebastian felt inside. He was glassy-eyed, with red cheeks and a fucked open mouth that Sebastian had to lean up and kiss. Their size difference made it easy, easier than it had ever been with anybody, and Sebastian felt himself growing breathless as he railed Xavier from behind, holding him under the chin so they could kiss.

When Xavier’s breath started coming in a stuttery pattern that was in the same rhythm as Sebastian’s hips smacking against his ass, Sebastian backed off and sucked down the side of his neck instead.

“Je le veux, je le veux, je le veux,” Xavier began to pant, lost to it as he made noises and curled into the pillows, one hand reaching back to clutch at Sebastian.

Sebastian moved his hands away from Xavier’s lower belly, and fell forward until they were both lying flat on the bed with Sebastian’s hands locked underneath Xavier’s chest. With the switch in position, and the new leverage beneath them, Sebastian started fucking him hard, unable to stop now that the series of detonations inside him had begun.

He could feel Xavier breathing quick, short, sharp breaths, and then it stopped, and Xavier let out a desperate noise before he reached back to grab at Sebastian’s side, legs shaking against the sheets.

For a second, Sebastian didn’t know what was happening, if he’d done something wrong, but then he looked at Xavier’s face and realized he was coming, and fucking him through it must have been too much. Xavier’s mouth dragged across the bed as he squeezed his eyes closed and gasped, making noises and shaking around Sebastian’s dick and reaching back to hold onto Sebastian’s thigh to keep him in.

It lasted forever, and then Xavier groaned and arched his back and demanded, “Fuck me until you come.”

Sebastian didn’t ask _are you sure?_ , he didn’t need to, not when he could see that look on Xavier’s face, dick drunk and open mouthed.

Instead, he pulled Xavier back by the hips, until they were so close he only had a few inches to fuck in, and didn’t stop until he came. He felt it jerking through him, making his pelvic muscles tighten and release, and all of a sudden the only thing he could do was keep his dick in Xavier as far in as it would go, and hold on until the shaking stopped.

It felt relentless.

They both fell forward when Sebastian finally relaxed, body weight collapsing Xavier into the mattress. Sebastian panted, unable to catch his breath, but turned and pressed a weak kiss to the shell of Xavier’s ear.

Xavier brought one hand up, and curled his fingers through the sweaty hair at the back of Sebastian’s head.

 

Sebastian’s flight back to New York left the next morning. Xavier had had all of the clothes he picked out shipped to Sebastian’s apartment, with pictures and instructions of what to wear and when.

There was almost an awkwardness that morning, Xavier not indicating anything more beyond what had just transpired between them. It wasn’t until he was at the door, dressed and about to leave that Sebastian realized that it was up to him to direct what would happen next. That he was the one in control now, no matter where they were or what they were doing.

He turned to Xavier then, reaching out with both hands to pull him in and kiss him, adoring kisses, moving Xavier as he wanted him.

“La revedere, leu puișor.” He whispered.

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To quote The Book of Mormon musical - Now comes the part of our story that gets a little bit sad. 
> 
> This chapter includes a special guest appearance by all of us Sebastian Stan fangirls, as well as the redoubtable Anthony Mackie. I would say that this is one of my favorite chapters but they're all my favorite chapters because I love this story.

He was lonely this time, lonelier than before maybe.

 

The interviewer from the New York Times (the New York Times!) was very kind, and Sebastian could tell that, unlike most of the press he’d done for the Marvel movies, this guy wasn’t a geek who wanted to know every little detail about the Marvel universe that Sebastian barely understood and thusly always ended up feeling like he was disappointing them.

At some point his publicist had probably told him that this reporter was going to be photographing him as well but between all the traveling and his sex brain he’d forgotten. The night before he’d barely slept, busy thinking about Xavier’s body under his hands, jerking off again and again, and then laying in the dim light of early dawn thinking about how alone he felt in his bed but not being sure who he wished was there with him. When he had drifted off finally, he’d had a dream that was a blur of his fingers running through Chris’s long blonde hair.

He’d seen the note about being photographed in his calendar that next morning and groaned. Looking at this face in the mirror he felt defeated. He knew he looked like shit, old and tired. ( _Middle aged Luke Skywalker_.)

The rolling rack of clothes had been delivered bright and early, waking him up. It was all bagged up and tagged with pictures and Xavier’s swirling hand writing. He flipped through the suits and jackets, and then saw some t shirts, some jeans, and a box of the tiny, clinging underwear that Xavier always wore.

A note inside the box said ‘You deserve to dress like this everyday, doudou’

He felt that warmth in his chest again, and pulled on the jeans, a flimsy t shirt that revealed the curves of the muscles underneath, and a beautiful wool coat. He put on Bucky’s boots (“ _Où avez-vous eu ces!? Ce sont des Fryes!_ ”) and took a picture of himself and sent it to Xavier, then went out into the world feeling tall, strutting to the interview with that same confidence that he’d had when Xavier had been dressing him in a private room at Saks.

The sting of disappointment that Sebastian felt had been palpable when, after the interviewer and him parted ways, he had check his phone and saw that Xavier still hadn’t responded to his picture. He brushed it off, chided himself for being ridiculous, and then went back home to change for the gym.

He tried not to check his phone too much when he was working out, but he must have been doing it more than usual because Don had loudly made fun of him for “checking his phone constantly like a fucking girl waiting for a boy to answer her text.” Sebastian cringed at this, at Don’s dumb comment and at his own neediness.

 

He didn’t want to come across as desperate or clingy. Xavier was a director in the midst of finishing up a movie he’d been working on for over a year now, of course he was busy. Besides two nights together didn’t mean that Xavier owed him anything. Yes the sex had been insane, beyond, amazing, mind blowing, the best Sebastian had ever had.

_(Maybe not the best, maybe just different, because how could he compare what it had felt like to having Chris touch him. It might not have been as skilled or as all consuming but in its rarity it was special, it had such feeling behind it, it was when Chris was able to really show Sebastian how he felt for him, without words. What would happen after, the next morning, the embarrassed distance, that didn’t detract from what had happened, not for Seb at least, but now when he thought of those few brief times where Chris had taken him like that, pushing into him, these moments always seemed out of time and space, jet lagged in the middle of the night in Asia, or that one time in Berlin, just early enough that Seb could hear birds quietly chirping at the dawn while he’d bitten back anything beyond panting breaths, not wanting to scare Chris away by making it seem too wanton? good? and what it had really meant in the long run, about whether or not that was even real, if it was like Chris’s plans that came to nothing, that it was all based on promises Chris was making, and they were, they were promises, like that feeling of Chris inside him, that was a promise, Seb taking him in, showing him that trust, and that trust being where that love came from, and that love being where those plans had been built, and those plans, they were promises, just like the trust and the love they were real and no, stop, stop it, that was just Seb making shit up, making too much of something, and this was the same, this was Seb taking two night of great sex and making it into too much, always expecting too much because he was so needy and he always had been, he was always trying to get more than there was to give, and he always ended up here, walking around New York City alone, always fucking alone.)_

 

Xavier had eventually responded to the picture that night with a bunch of eggplant emojis, and Sebastian didn't know what that meant.

_> >Some Quebecois Dude dressed me._

He frowned at the text, thinking it sounded dumb but had sent it anyways.

_> He sounds hot._

Sebastian floundered then, not sure what to do with that. All that strutting confidence had been chipped away, and he had lost his footing. He decided to just let it go, and try to not overthink it. Plus he was scared at saying something back and then having Xavier not respond again for hours and hours.

 

The next day bled into the next, working out, and then answering emails and studying the Destroyer script.

He stopped trying to act like Don and the guys at the gym were actually his friends, and let himself accept that no, this was an attempt at using Sebastian’s notoriety as a way to make money. Sebastian would wave them off as he left the gym, not able to keep up that lie anymore.

He felt that loneliness from October creep back over him again, and went on Instagram to leave comments on the posts people had tagged him in. He’d done this a lot back in August especially, figuring out the Story thing so he had someone to talk to. Having all of those people so happy to see him at the convention had filled Sebastian up, all of those flushed cheeked girls with shaking hands and huge smiles so grateful for his kindness. Each one of them seemed brighter just from him talking to them, listening to them and even though he was helping them, they were helping him too. He felt that loneliness lift when he was with them, and always went back to them when it started to crush him again.

_(They could turn on him on a dime if he wasn’t careful, he knew that, had found that out when he’d made that post that he had thought was funny and then they were all so disappointed in him, mad at him, calling him ignorant and a racist and all of these other things, saying that they would never be a fan of his again, and he’d initially been so hurt, they all say that they love him and then he makes one little mistake, something that he thought would make them laugh and didn’t know that it was about whatever they were all mad at him for, and he’d shot back, and then refused to go on Instagram for days after until his publicist called him and told him he needed to take the post down and he told her it was his fucking Instagram and he was allowed to say whatever he wanted and she’d told him well you deal with the consequences of it then, but you better know that Mark and Chris have spent the last week posting on twitter about the thing you made a shitty joke about and how important it is so this is just making you look like an asshole and then hung up on him then he’d looked up the take the knee thing and realized what a fucking piece of shit he was, and realized that he hadn’t apologized at all, and so he did, he did exactly as the fans had asked and hoped that everyone would just forgive him and love him again and they did, most of them did, and Sebastian closed twitter because Mark’s twitter reminded him of his childhood and of that fear and upheaval and Chris was so brave and strong and he was Captain America, he was, and god Sebastian loved him for it.)_

 

He got 24 hours notice that his presence was required in Atlanta for a day of shooting. He got on the Marvel plane, arriving in Atlanta at 8 am and taken to the set in a dark, unmarked vehicle and then waited in his full costume and make up for the next six hours.

The trailers were placed in a definite hierarchy, with RDJ’s village in the middle, Chris and Scarlett and Mark and Hemsworth’s surrounding it. Sebastian’s was out in the third ring, behind Chris’s. He refused to check and see if Chris was there, instead sitting alone in his trailer, feeling vaguely sick with nerves. He felt an insane amount of relief when he got on set and Mackie was there, waiting for him in the giant bright green studio with just a broken tree and an x on the floor.

They filmed a scene together, one that made absolutely no sense to Sebastian whatsoever.

“What...Is this for Infinity War or the fourth one?” Sebastian said quietly to Mackie during a reset.

“Like I fucking know.”

He ended up going the whole day without seeing Chris, without even knowing if Chris was on set and it was like a void, this empty space that should be Chris next to him, laughing and talking. He finished up by 9 and instead of Mackie saying good night so Sebastian can go hang out with Chris like he usually did, he grabbed him by the shoulder and told him that they were going out for some barbeque.

It wasn't until they had finished their meal that Mackie said anything beyond shooting the shit and making him laugh.

“Hey dude, I’m sorry about all this shit with Chris. That’s just, that’s not cool, man.”

Sebastian froze at that. Him and Mackie never talked about his and Chris’s situation. Mackie let whatever happened between them just be their thing, and never tried to put his opinion out there. It surprised Sebastian so much that he couldn't respond with anything beyond a soft ‘yeah’ while he twisted his paper napkin so tight it creaked.

 

When Sebastian got back to his hotel room afterwards, he checked his phone to see a text from his mom and three not funny memes from Don.

He’d posted that picture on his Instagram Story of the sign he’d seen in that hipster clothing store’s window ( _All we have is now_ , it had hit him right in his solar plexus, because this moment, this was it, it was all he had) and now he felt stupid about it. He couldn’t bring himself to text Xavier directly since the other night, and that silence, mixed with all of the sense memories of being in Atlanta, made Sebastian feel like he couldn’t take a deep breath the pain in his chest was so sharp.

 

Two days later there was still nothing from Xavier and Sebastian started to think that that was it, that it was over.

He needed to focus on work anyway. He had the press junket that day, and no Mackie to help make it bearable. Despite everything, he still felt empowered by putting on the outfit that Xavier had put together for that day for him. He actually felt like himself in it, felt like that little punk he used to be, but still classic, like a modern version of James Dean. It was all there for him, even the sunglasses, like Xavier knew exactly who Sebastian saw himself as, and who he wanted to be, all combined, without him ever really telling him.

He hoped Xavier would get to see it but didn't send a picture to him. He couldn't this time.

The next morning his phone pinged at him as he was getting out of the shower. When he saw that it was from Xavier he felt everything that had started to dim light up again.

_> The coat looked fucking amazing. Now you are the Man in Black tonight._

When he’d pulled out the western styled blazer, all embossed like wood, he’d shook his head and laughed to himself. Yes, he could definitely rock some Johnny Cash swagger.

_> This is the number of Sebastian Stan star of Infinite Wars right? I’m not sure as he seems to have stopped messaging me._

He felt weak with relief.

 

His iPhone X arrived that morning. He took a picture of it and sent it to Xavier.

_> Did you just take a picture with your phone of another phone to let me know you have a new phone? Omgggg u r so old_

The first thing Seb did once the new phone was set up was take a picture of himself with its fancy camera and sent it to Xavier.

Xavier responded with a quick video of himself passing out, dropping his phone and then his voice saying ‘SO FUCKING HOT, CRISSE’

Sebastian felt his cheeks burn but also pulled in the praise, making him feel puffed up and as proud as his peacock.

 

He was high on that affirmation that night at the premiere, feeling lighter than air as he did the press line, laughing with Margot and Paul and everyone else. His mom had come that night as well, and he’d taken a picture of them together and sent it to Xavier.

_> >mama mea_

_> Elle est belle_

_> You’re almost as beautiful as her. Almost but not quite._

This giddiness had carried him into the afterparty where Paul started to hand him bottles of beer which he drank because it was in his hand and he was thirsty. He had no idea if it was the first beer or the next beer or the next one or just that lightness inside him, but he felt like he was having the best night ever. He texted that to Xavier, taking another picture of himself smiling all drunk and dopey and sent that too.

_> Doudou, I think you are having the best night of your life, beer or no beer._

_> But no more beer_

_> >Awwwww you no fun_

_> >Hey how hat is our sex_

_> >I like fucking you alright_

_> >A lot_

_> Doudou time to go home and get some sleep_

_> >You like met_

_> >Me_

_> Yes Sebastian Stan I like you_

_> >I miss you lion cub_

_> I miss you too_

_> Go home now_

_> >Im in an uber and he says that its okay for me to have had beer_

_> Well he would know_

_> Are you home?_

_> >Yet_

_> >Yes_

_> Okay go to bed_

_> >Wish you were here_

_> I do too doudou_

_> >I miss you_

_> I miss you too_

_> Go to bed_

_> >I wanna jerk off first_

_> >Thinking bout your_

_> >Your you_

_> Okay_

_> You think about how good your cock feels in my mouth_

_> Doudou_

_> You there?_

_> A middle aged drunk man passed out mid jerk off_

_> lol_

_> Enjoy your morning Sebastian Stan, star of I, Tonya_

 

 


	5. Chapter 5

The alarm on his phone made him wake up with a gasp. It was still dark out, and he was sprawled out on his stomach in the middle of his bed, on top of the covers, naked.

He snatched up his phone, fumbling with it until he finally turned off the alarm. He stared at it for a while, trying to figure out what exactly was happening and why _his head hurt so bad oh dear god_.

Why was his alarm set for 5:30 in the morning? What the fuck was-

Shit.

 

It wasn’t until he was in the car that GMA had sent for him at 6 that he checked his phone and saw the ridiculous drunk text conversation that he’d had with Xavier, cringing with full on embarrassment. The handful of tylenol and bottle of water he’d downed earlier was just starting to kick in, thankfully, so he had the wherewithal to see that, if nothing else, Xavier seemed to find it endearing.

Having to be up and on GMA this early wasn’t even the most insane part of his day. He was going to be the Marvel actor there when they released the trailer, which was extra hilarious considering how he had no fucking idea what this movie was about and was finding out about it by watching the trailer just like everyone else.

He remembered filming the scene with Chris and Chadwick and all the background actors back in April. He tried very hard to not remember everything that happened after that, about laying on the bed in Chris’s house, Chris over him, looking at him so intently, and how Seb had ran his fingers through the length of his hair, the backs of him fingers along his beard, because now when he thought about that it lodged a stone in his throat that he could barely swallow around.

He got himself back home and immediately crawled into bed, passing out for a two hour nap that left him feeling disoriented and slow with this heavy thickness over all his extremities. For about a half hour he just laid in bed like this, thinking about that day in April, him and Chris both laughing at the wigs they were wearing, sitting in Chris’s trailer with their legs tangled.

His phone pinged in the other room once, then twice, and he realized he hadn’t check it since this morning when he saw all the blathering he’d done at Xavier. Rolling himself out of bed, he picked up the phone on the way to the kitchen.

_> Bonjour Amérique, c’est le Soldat d'Hiver!_

_> How your head?_

_> >Not too bad. Took a fuckload of Tylenol, that helped._

_> No doudou, you’re supposed to reply with ‘I haven’t had any complaints.’_

_> Don’t make me explain this joke to you._

_> >No I get it hahah_

Sebastian dropped his face into his hands as he leaned forward on the kitchen counter.

Everything felt...off. Like he was out of step with the music. He remembered feeling so amazing last night, dressed in his Johnny Cash suit with his mom there and everything being so fun and the beer and just wanting Xavier, wanting him there with him so badly. That all felt like a thousand years ago. Now he just felt hollowed out, tired, sore. There was that hint of loneliness again, and he didn’t know why.

 

It’s a totally different experience doing the press for I, Tonya that it has been for Marvel. This was a commercially viable film, despite its roots as an indie, and therefore they were doing all of the leg work you did when you were about to release a movie that was expected to do well. And this time, he was a part of it. He wasn’t a bit player; his name was above the title, one of three, and therefore he was there for all the press. This now included something he had never done - he was at all of these Oscar buzz screenings to talk about the movie.

This initially had been surreal to him, like a joke someone was playing until he realized, no, this movie was a serious contender. Margot was, rightfully, getting a lot of attention, and Alison, of course. There was no part of him that wanted to take away any of that for himself, they were both powerhouses. It was the idea that the movie itself might get nominated for a Best Picture Oscar that made his mind reel. There was a good chance that he was going to be attending the Oscars next year and not because he was in a Marvel movie, but because he was in a Best Picture nominee. That dream he’d always had, of being there, the most holy of places for an actor, it might happen. Before it had felt like something too big for him to even think about, but now it felt like something he wanted, something he probably was going to get.

 

He put on one of the sweaters he’d worn before (Before Xavier seemed like its own separate universe.) The suit Xavier had picked for this TimesTalk thing had the button up for it but Sebastian needed the comfort of this sweater, of something familiar. There was a solid five minutes of internal debate about whether to ask Xavier if it looked good or to just to wear it until he decided that he knew well enough that the sweater looked good. Plus, he thought, Xavier needed to know that Sebastian was the one who made the final decisions, no matter the situation, that in fact Xavier actually wanted to know that.

In the back of the car with the partition up on the way back from Saks Xavier tried to tell him he wasn’t allowed to keep the newsboy cap he’d been wearing lately, the one he’d had for years now. Sebastian had let him try every side of the argument, had listened quietly, smiling affectionately, until Xavier had run out of steam and pouted, arms crossed and eyes dark as he slouched defiantly in the corner of the seat. It was only then that Sebastian had reached out and gently pulled Xavier’s hand to him, waiting until those sharp eyes looked over at him.

“I’m keeping it.” He said, firmly, and watched as that beautiful boy’s face softened, gaze dropping, and that artless smile was there, the one that made him look so sweet and young and full of truth.

“D’acorrd,” He said quietly, and then gotten down on his knees in front of him.

 

That dissonance was still there even when Sebastian was dressed, out the door, and then up on the stage with Margot and Alison and Craig. He had trouble focusing, felt himself wandering off inside his head ( _Pay attention, Seb_ ) and then coming back with a jolt of panic, realizing where he was, what he was doing.

He had that pull inside of him again, and just like the night before, he missed Xavier, wished he was there, found himself craving the feel of his face in his palm, the span of his shoulders under his fingertips as he pushed him down, those twinkling eyes looking back at him.

Maybe he had known it, he must have sensed it last night because when Sebastian was walking off the stage, finally done, he checked his phone and there it was.

_> Alright, you poor man, I’m at the Bowery, room 237. Come to your puișor._

Sebastian was weak with relief.

When he kissed Margot’s cheek goodbye, she’d smiled knowingly at him.

“Looks like I owe Jessica 20 bucks.” She said and he’d snorted out a laugh.

“Do we do some kind of handfasting ceremony with Ian Mckellen and Cate Blanchett to make you my hag officially?” She laughed and smacked his shoulder.

“Go to your boy, mister.”

 

Xavier had grabbed him and pulled him into the hotel room immediately, on him before either of them could say anything. That body, the hands so elegant and greedy, the skin smooth and unutterably soft, that mouth against his, Xavier’s smell, cigarettes and mint and something dark and ancient, something familiar inside Sebastian that he couldn’t place, he took it all in, breathed it in deep. Xavier pulled him back into the dance, set his footing right and together they followed the music beautifully.

 

They eventually made it into the tub.

They had been in the shower trying to clean up, but Xavier had wrapped himself up around Sebastian from behind, pressed kisses between his shoulders, and then he’d reached over and turned the spray off and gone down on his knees, to pull Sebastian’s ass cheeks apart and then Sebastian was having his ass eaten out for the first time in his life and fuck it felt so fucking good and he had absolutely no frame of reference for how it felt exactly and he was thrusting erratically, artlessly, into Xavier’s fist, while also pushing back into it, until Xavier had pushed him back against the wall, and pulled on his dick with purpose, pumping it until Sebastian blew his load all over his face, that smiling, gleeful expression, and Sebastian’s legs had given out at that, at his fucking come all over that beautiful face, and then his legs were like jelly and Xavier had to pull him over to the tub, tsking at ‘middle aged man’s old bones’ as he turned the water on.

“There is come in my hair, so much. It is like, that blonde girl, with her hair straight up, what is that movie with the girl’s hair?”

“Something About Mary.”

“Yeah that old movie.” Sebastian leaned back, Xavier sitting cross way between his legs, his back pressed to the side of Sebastian’s knee, his hands combing out the stiffness in his hair, making it extra pouffy.

“Old movie, puișor, it came out in like the late 90s.”

“Well, middle aged man, I was a child then.”

“Oh Jesus Christ, you were, weren’t you?” Sebastian let his head drop back against the wall.

“Yes, I am so young.” He grinned that toothy smile at him and Sebastian reached out to run his fingers along his jawline.

“Le Enfant Terrible.” Xavier’s face screwed up then, cringing.

“Oh god, your pronunciation.”

“Well then help me, young person.” Xavier sat up straight then, wiggling his shoulders as he assumed a lofty expression.

“The le apostrophes with enfant. So it’s L’en-fant. And it’s not ‘tear-ra-bowl’ like this horrible New York accent of yours, it’s ter-e-ble. L’enfant terrible.” Sebastian leaned forward then, grasping Xavier’s chin in his hand.

“L’enfant terrible.” He murmured, then kissed Xavier, pulling that top lip in, running his teeth over it until he heard Xavier let out a high sigh. “Băiat frumos.”

Xavier pulled back then, just a bit, his eyes wide at this.

“Again.”

“Băiat frumos.”

“Beautiful boy?” He laughed. “Beau garçon. It is almost familiar….”

Sebastian held up his hand and counted it off.

“French, Portuguese, Spanish, Italian, Romanian. Romance languages.”

“Vraiment?” Xavier was delighted with this, leaning forward to kiss Sebastian again. “Bai...baiat…”

“Băiat frumos.” Sebastian said against his lips. Xavier pulled him back again, kissing him with intent, wrapping his long thin arms around Sebastian’s shoulders, crawling up his body to squeeze Sebastian’s torso between his thighs.

“Et mon beau Daddy.”

Sebastian roared with laughter at this, his whole body shaking with it and Xavier held on tight as he giggled at his delight.

 

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter starts out angsty but ends with what is, without a shadow of doubt, the hottest, filthiest, most amazing smut Sid has ever written, and definitely one of the best pieces of smut I've ever read in the 20+ years I've been reading fic. It is not just explicit, it's very dirty, so check the tags and make sure it doesn't have anything that you're squeamish with. If it does you can skip when Xavier arrives and go to the next chapter.

Chris was there.

He was smiling, that ridiculous smile of his, the sheer goofiness of it making Sebastian smile back. They were lying together somewhere, it was safe, there was no one to see them. It was dark, but he could see Chris, he was there.

There were hands on him, stroking his sides, gentle, affectionate, the way Chris would get sometimes, the smell of beer on his breath but Seb didn’t mind, he knew that it helped Chris get past his own fears, that this was him unfettered by his anxiety, soft and sweet, rasping his beard against Seb’s chest, murmuring something that he couldn’t make out.

That feeling of familiarity though, it wasn’t…. There was something that wasn’t right, wasn’t like Chris…. Seb pushed past it, reached out, trying to hold on, feeling his body shiver so intensely that he gasped in quickly and suddenly there was a dark room, it was a hotel room, were they doing press? Was this Chris’s room or his? Chris was touching him so sweetly, so reverently, but not like he usually did, there was this… a leisure to it, like they had all the time in the world.

He reached out in the darkness and felt a body, smaller, softer, and, blinking rapidly, he realized it wasn’t Chris, it wasn’t, he was, where was…

He shuddered then, a deep sliver of fear running through him, and he saw, finally saw Xavier there, looking up at him with those big eyes, full of concern.

“Hey chérie, hey,” He said softly, “You are having a dream, it’s okay.”

It flooded back in on him then, that space between him and Chris, and that intimacy that he would never have with him again, that was over, and maybe he’d never had it in the first place.

He couldn’t stop the strangled whimper escaping his chest. He had to go, he couldn’t let this happen, couldn’t let Chris, Xavier, anyone see what was bubbling up.

Sebastian pulled back quickly, swinging his legs over the side of the bed, taking in deep shuddering breaths as he tried to get up.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay, it’s okay.” Xavier was offering comfort, his hand gently rubbing the center of Sebastian's back, but that was worse, that was so much worse. Sebastian didn’t deserve that tenderness, that care. No one could see Sebastian upset about this. He had to get out of there, he had to push this down and away and back to the dark secret space where he hid it.

“Can’t…” He managed to get out as his breaths came out faster, pulling away from that touch, so soft, so sweet, he could, if only he could…

He found his pants and what he thought was his sweater and pulled them on. He took in some steadying breaths as he shoved his feet into his shoes and fumbled around for his phone.

“I- I’m just- I have to….” He couldn’t look back at Xavier, that bed, that room, he had to get out of there. No one was supposed to see this.

With that he went out the door.

He managed to keep it together until he got into his apartment. Without stopping he went into his bedroom and curled up in the dark on his bed, hid his face in his hands and wept like one who is in the midst of a terrible grief.

 

It was midnight when Xavier texted him.

Sebastian was curled up on his couch by then, all of that emotion long since poured out of him. He’d spent most of the morning hiding in the bed with it, trying to discern what was happening, why it had happened.

It was vague sensations all jumbled together. Chris would never be affectionate with him when they would wake up together. The light of day usually made Chris shy with him. His cheeks would flush and he’d looked everywhere but at him and no matter what he did Sebastian could never get him to relax, to lay back down with him. So he had learned early on in their relationship that when he would fall asleep with Chris he had to make sure to leave quickly in the morning. He would always be able to get Chris to kiss him before he left though, and in that quick moment, it was like he was seeing Chris standing on the other side of all his fear, distant and unreachable.

As Sebastian had fitfully laid in the dark, that sadness draining out of him, he could feel reality coming back in. His hair was still damp and curly from the bath with Xavier. There was a sore spot on his collarbone where Xavier had sunk his teeth into him. (“ _I am your puișor, yes? Then I bite!_ ”) Eventually he realized that the shirt he’d pulled on that morning in the dark wasn’t his sweater, it was the shirt that Xavier had been wearing when he’d pulled him into his hotel room. The comfort that he got from this realization was was like a knot being untied in his chest, and he was able to take a deep breath in, pulling that scent in as he buried his face into the shirt.

Xavier smelled like Sebastian’s childhood in some way, of shadowy corners in ornate old churches, prayers flickering in candlelight, the soft singing all around him, that feeling of safety that he would only really have there, in a sacred space where no one could cause harm or fear.

He remembered Xavier from that morning, his soft voice calling him (“Hey chérie, chérie”) without demands, without judgement. Sebastian had ran from him, from all of it. That sadness, it wasn’t, it wasn’t real. And it definitely wasn’t something that he was going to inflict on anyone else.

He felt foolish having acted like that in front of Xavier, had spent most of the day not knowing what to say to explain it while simultaneously wanting Xavier so badly, wanting that gentle compassion, that whispered comfort, that slight body, that smooth skin, the certainty in his touch, and that desire inside himself that Xavier provoked, that sense of focus, the thing clicking into place when he was with him, feeling him push at him with his teasing and responding to it with so much delight and affection, that warmth that had moved from his chest and now lit up every nerve ending, feeling so good and replete and happy and right.

He picked up his phone and read the texts.

_> Doudou, I have spent the evening talking to beautiful women, drinking beautiful wine and surrounded by beautiful decoration._

_> Now I need to eat a Big Mac and have dirty sex with you._

And just like that, Xavier had pushed past it, not letting this stop them, understanding that Sebastian still wanted him there, still needed him, without him even having to say it.

He took in a long deep breath in, and let out the last of that worry, knowing that, yes, when he needed Xavier, he would be there.

_> >I want a quarter pounder. And then I am going to pound ya_

He could perfectly picture Xavier rolling his eyes and groaning at the terrible pun, and for the first time that day, Sebastian smiled.

_> >Hey dad jokes from your Daddy_

_> Doudou just stop_

 

“Allo chérie it is your delivery boy,” Xavier greeted, voice a little distant and buzzy over the intercom.

Sebastian smiled as he held his finger firmly against the button. “Hi, come up.”

As he waited, he found himself hastily tidying the mess in his front hall. The jacket he threw over the back of the chair he used to sit in and put his boots on (old man) went into the closet. He kicked his gym sneakers in there, too (arch support), and stuffed a wad of mail he hadn’t opened yet into the top drawer of his entry table (e-billing, doudou, _sigh_.)

He’d just jammed the closet door shut and crossed his arms over his chest when there was a knock at the door.

Sebastian swung it open, and grinned when he found Xavier on the other side. For the first time since they’d met, Xavier was just wearing loose Adidas track pants, a small hoodie, and a plain hat.

“So you can do incognito,” he teased, opening the door wide as Xavier served up a gigantic bag of McDonalds by its rolled up handle, and a life-endingly beautiful pout.

Xavier stepped inside and tugged Sebastian in by the belly for a kiss.

“Only for you, Sébastien Stan.”

 

Sebastian found himself smiling as he watched Xavier type on his phone.

It was late - properly late, early morning late - but Sebastian wasn’t ready to go to sleep, wasn’t ready to call this a night. He leaned his head back against the couch cushions, and studied Xavier’s face, lit blue by the cool light of his iPhone screen.

He realized Xavier knew he was being watched when his mouth curled up at the edges.

“I can feel your eyes on me, doudou.” He murmured, voice rough. His toes flexed where they were buried for warmth between the couch and Sebastian’s thigh, but he didn’t look up from his phone.

Something thunked into place inside Sebastian’s chest.

He felt that hot dip in his balls, and then his dick started to harden up. He shifted, caught up in the way Xavier’s stubble looked on his top lip, and gave himself permission to sink into it. It felt good - Xavier liked it when he got hard. He’d get that look on his face, and lick his lips, and stick his hands right into Sebastian’s pants, and-

Sebastian almost startled right off the couch when Xavier abruptly stiffened all his toes up, and jabbed him firmly in the butt. He jumped, one hand all of a sudden over his dick like he had to protect it, and laughed, surprised.

“Hey!” He felt a little breathless. “Don’t scare me like that.”

He realized Xavier was looking right at him now, with a devilish smirk on his face.

“My old man, he could have a heart attack.” Xavier agreed solemnly, pouting. He was a good actor, better than most, but Sebastian could still tell he was trying desperately not to crack. “Maybe I should be nicer to him.”

Sebastian scratched his fingers through his beard and said knowingly, “You should.”

“We both know he doesn’t have much time left on this earth,” Xavier replied, but the sentence wasn’t even fully out of his mouth before he started to laugh and curl up like a bug, trying to block himself from Sebastian’s hands.

Delighted, Sebastian gave Xavier beard burn where his hoodie inched up and his pants rode down, and then poked his fingers into Xavier’s sides until he squealed. They scrapped like that for a minute, laughing and holding onto each other, until Sebastian accidentally kicked the coffee table leg and the resoundingly loud bang made them stop.

In the gentle melee, they’d ended up with one of Xavier’s legs up over Sebastian’s shoulder, with his heel on Sebastian’s back and Sebastian firmly between his thighs.

“You’re small but scrappy.” Sebastian reviewed, slightly out of breath as he laughed and tried to keep Xavier’s wrists pinned to the cushion under his hips. He nosed Xavier’s dick through his track pants. “Angry lion baby.”

Xavier laughed at that description. Sebastian watched as his nose wrinkled up, and his top lip lifted to show all his teeth.

“Puișor,” he corrected, laughing and snapping his incisors together.

Warmth flooded Sebastian’s chest. He softened his voice and agreed, “Puișor.”

Even though Xavier’s hands were still pinned, Sebastian felt him flex, and try and break free by putting all of his weight on the heel against Sebastian’s back. It might have worked with someone his own size, but with Sebastian, all he ended up doing was lifting himself up off the couch.

“I have definitely had this fantasy before.” Xavier panted, looking pretty pleased with himself as he wiggled around. “The only thing different is, in my version you put me in a headlock.”

That caught Sebastian by surprise enough to laugh and ask, “A headlock?”

“Oh yeah.” Xavier managed to drag out every letter in the two words, making Sebastian grin even more. “The sweatier, the better.”

Sebastian stretched himself out so he was laying along the length of Xavier’s body, and commented, “That’s pretty dirty.”

“Mon dieu - you have no idea.” Xavier grinned. “I will ease you into it, starting with talking about this gigantic dick of yours.”

That made Sebastian laugh again, still not used to walking the tightrope of surprise and adoration he found himself on when in Xavier’s crosshairs. He didn’t really know what to say to that, but he knew it made him feel good, so he pressed his dick more solidly against Xavier’s thigh.

“You know how to treat a boy,” Xavier told him, sliding a hand over his belly and under his own waistband. Sebastian propped more of his weight on his elbow. He wanted to watch Xavier, see the way his knuckles stretched the loose fabric at the front of his track pants. Xavier started to jerk himself slowly. “Put your fingers in my mouth.”

Sebastian looked up from Xavier’s hand, and realized Xavier was staring right at him.

That - Sebastian didn’t hesitate. He’d put any part of himself in Xavier’s mouth.

He started with just his pointer finger, resting the pad of it on the swell of Xavier’s bottom lip until Xavier stuck his tongue out, soft and relaxed, and made an I-want-it noise. He was trying to spur Sebastian on.

Sebastian did start with just the one finger, but then when Xavier started sucking, it didn’t look like enough, so he added his middle finger, too.

That’s when he felt Xavier start to jerk off properly.

“Fuck,” Sebastian swore, awkwardly reaching for his own dick with his free hand.

He could feel himself starting to get wet and stick to the inside of his underwear. On his way back up, he tugged Xavier’s hand out of his pants, and added a third finger to his mouth when he knotted his brows to complain.

Sebastian set his free hand against the top of Xavier’s head, and then he couldn’t help himself. He pressed down, angling Xavier’s mouth, and then Xavier was making hard eye contact and trying not to grin around Sebastian’s fingers.

It was like a switch, and Sebastian started to breathe heavy, legs moving, restless.

Finally Xavier took pity on him, and brought one hand up to lead Sebastian’s fingers out of his mouth, and rest along his stubbly cheek instead.

“I have another one to share with you,” Xavier said, raising his eyebrows.

Sebastian’s brain still wasn’t firing on all cylinders. He raised his eyebrows too, but only because he was trained to mirror expressions, and said, “Uh.”

Xavier pulled him down for a rough kiss, fingers curled into the hair at the back of Sebastian’s head, and then, just as Sebastian started to really sink into it, he pulled away and rolled off of the couch. Sebastian watched, stunned, as Xavier landed with a thunk on his knees, grinned like a little brat, and then took off, bouncing over the coffee table and pulling his hoodie up over his head at the same time.

For a second Sebastian laid there, still in the same position he had been with Xavier underneath him, and stared. He watched as Xavier took a sharp turn into the hallway, and then threw his hoodie back, so it landed in the doorway.

Then it clicked.

Adrenaline, the fun, bubbly kind, flooded through Sebastian. He clumsily got to his feet and ran after Xavier, laughing at himself as he skidded through the door and into the hallway.

Xavier screamed when Sebastian spotted him in the bathroom at the end of the hall.

“Doudou!” He was on the move again, now fully naked with a condom and a thing of lube held protectively to his chest. “Ahh!”

Watching Xavier act like such a fool did all kinds of things to Sebastian. It made him laugh. It made him feel lighthearted and silly, and, strangest of all, it made him feel raw with the fundamental drive to protect.

Xavier turned him inside out.

“I wouldn’t call that a fair fight.” Sebastian grinned. He had Xavier belly up against the wall in two strides, dick pressed comfortably against the small of his back. “I think you went easy on me.”

He lightly bit the back of Xavier’s shoulder, and then turned him around and pressed him into the wall.

“Now why would I do that?” The tone of Xavier’s voice, when he dropped it low and charming like that, did things to Sebastian’s dick. He groaned and pressed in, trying to relieve the hot jolt he felt. “Tell me what you want to do to me.”

Then he looked up, spoiled, and bit his bottom lip with a pout.

Sebastian’s hands slid from Xavier’s waist, down to his thighs, and then up under the rounds of his ass. He squeezed and lifted, shifting Xavier’s weight an inch up the wall even though they were both on their feet.

“I- everything.” He knew it wasn’t the right answer, but it was as articulate as he could get with so little blood in his brain. “I want to fuck you.”

Xavier licked from Sebastian’s collarbone up into his beard.

“That is a good answer,” he agreed, nose at Sebastian’s cheek. “But not very specific.”

Nobody had ever asked Sebastian how he wanted to fuck them, much less critiqued him for his reply. He squinted at Xavier but still couldn’t keep the smile off his face.

“Specifically,” Sebastian started, raising his eyebrows. “I want to pick you up,” and so he did, grabbing Xavier by both thighs and jostling him back against the wall. “And I want to see your face when you take my dick,” he used the hand not pressed to the small of Xavier’s back to push his own waistband down. “How about that?”

Xavier was grinning down at him. He pretended to sober his expression, narrowing his eyebrows very seriously as he reviewed, “Better.”

This playful intimacy was something that Sebastian had been missing for a very long time, and he hadn’t even realized it.

Sebastian held Xavier’s weight as Xavier adjusted his position, settling with his heels crossed in the small of Sebastian’s back. He watched as Xavier tipped some lube into his own hand, and then reached back.

He held eye contact the whole time, making Sebastian groan.

It was hot. Sebastian felt his dick jerk when Xavier’s face relaxed in that way it did when he was getting what he wanted. He pressed Xavier back up against the wall, and adjusted his grip so he could use one hand to put a condom on.

“I want to feel your cock in my throat.” Xavier panted, upper arm muscles tightening as he fingered himself. “I want you to fuck me hard enough I gag.”

Sebastian groaned and squeezed one hand around his dick so he wouldn’t come.

Xavier was the dirtiest little fuck he had ever met.

“Come on,” Xavier was breathing, really starting to beg now, legs flexing around Sebastian as he started to ride his own fingers. “Baise-moi, baise-moi, baise-moi.”

Shaky with excitement, Sebastian groaned as Xavier held his face with both hands, lube stickying up his hair, and firmly pulled him into a kiss. As they kissed, Sebastian adjusted their weight against the wall, and held onto the base of his dick with one hand as he sat Xavier down on it.

“Oh,” Xavier blurted, grabbing onto the back of Sebastian’s head. He pressed their foreheads together and started to roll his hips before he was even all the way down.

Sebastian grinned. “Greedy.”

Fucking standing up was both a sport and a full-body experience. Sebastian steadied himself against the wall with one hand, deeply overwhelmed, and groaned as gravity weighed Xavier down. Sebastian was in deep, all the way down to his balls.

Xavier was babbling in French. It made Sebastian feel crazy. He watched Xavier move, unable to keep himself together as he switched between shaking and groaning and leaning close to press his whole open mouth against Sebastian’s chin.

“Put your hands behind my neck, ” Sebastian instructed.

He needed to fuck Xavier. He needed to nail him, pick him up off his cock and drop him back down on it and roll his hips and-

Xavier loosened his thighs around Sebastian’s hips and dropped his weight back. His face screwed up, shocked.

There it was. Sebastian dipped forward and sucked a kiss into Xavier’s collarbone, panting against the skin there as he started to jerk his hips in short, strong little thrusts.

He’d lifted weights heavier than Xavier last time he was at the gym.

Xavier suddenly tightened his arms up, so they were belly to chest, Xavier’s throat perfectly in front of Sebastian’s mouth. He couldn’t decline an opportunity like that, and ducked his head forward, sucking at the stubble of Xavier’s jaw.

“I fantasize about crawling into your lap and putting my face inside your shirt,” Xavier panted, body beginning to tighten and squeeze as he got closer to coming. “You smell so good, it drives me crazy. I get so hard.”

“Jesus,” Sebastian bit out, hips bucking twice quickly. He was starting to sweat, and all of a sudden, all he could think about was absolutely railing Xavier into the mattress.

Lit up, Sebastian pulled Xavier in by the jaw for another kiss, and let him sit on his dick as he walked them the last couple feet to his bedroom door.

Once they were close enough, he pulled out and dumped Xavier on the bed.

He didn’t have the patience to wait for Xavier to get comfortable. Xavier, still laying half on his side and half on his back - exactly how Sebastian dropped him - watched, jerking himself off, as Sebastian climbed back on top, knocked Xavier’s legs out of his way, and started railing him.

Xavier groaned, glassy-eyed, and held onto the back of Sebastian’s neck.

“Baise-moi, baise-moi, daddy, daddy, daddy,” he chanted, breaths punctuated to the rhythm of Sebastian’s dick knocking into him. Sebastian groaned and pushed himself up onto one elbow, smoothing a palm over Xavier’s forehead and pushing back his sweaty, yellow-bleached hair. Xavier let out a desperate noise, and begged, “Spit on me. Fais-le dans ma, ma bouche.”

“Fuck.” His voice sounded desperate, and he knew it.

“Daddy,” Xavier begged, eyes only halfway open, dick drunk. “Please - mettre tout - put, ahh, put everything inside me.”

Groaning, Sebastian tightened his grip on Xavier’s cheek. He watched as his thumb tugged at the skin under Xavier’s bottom lip, dragging it down until Sebastian could see gum. Without thinking, he started to fuck short and shallow and quick, gathering up both of Xavier’s hands in one of his, and pressing them into the pillow above Xavier’s head.

“Open,” Sebastian panted, squeezing Xavier’s hands.

Xavier was panting too. He tilted his head back against the pillow, and opened his mouth.

Sebastian spit.

He felt Xavier’s body react. Sebastian swore, thoroughly overwhelmed, and dug his face into the side of Xavier’s neck as Xavier came, shaky and tight and relentless underneath him.

Xavier was shivering, overstimulated, and so Sebastian tried to go easy on him, but then all of a sudden he felt himself clench and gasp and freeze, thrown to the wolves as he fucked into Xavier, hips smacking against his ass with every short, desperate thrust.

“Fuck,” he panted, curling against Xavier, squeezing him and holding him and coming a little bit more.

When he dropped, Xavier navigated Sebastian’s head to his shoulder.

“Your dick is still hard inside me,” he commented, brushing his fingers through Sebastian’s hair.

Groaning, Sebastian turned his head, so his nose bumped into Xavier’s jaw, and deadpanned, “Yeah, imagine that.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can read about spitting during sex [here if you're interested.](http://www.rebelcircus.com/blog/psychology-behind-people-like-spat-sex/) This is what happens when Sid and I put our filthy minds together. Isn't it glorious?


	7. Chapter 7

Sebastian floated into consciousness to the sound of murmured French. He was laying on his stomach, facing the window, and as he blinked open his eyes the light coming in between the curtains told him it was late in the morning. He took in a big breath in and there it was. His sheets smelled like Xavier, like himself and Xavier together, like sweat and sex, and it was so fucking good.

Rolling over onto his back, he saw Xavier standing in front of his closet, his bare ass facing him, quickly going through the clothes. The French would go between snorts of disgust (“ _Quelle est cette merde!?_ ”) which would be followed up by the offending garment being thrown on the ground, and sounds of approval (“ _Ce cul dans ces jeans, mon dieu_!”) Xavier holding the item up and looking at it with a critical eye and then letting it stay.

Sebastian stretched out, so replete in this moment, sex sore, dick more than halfway to hard, and watching unnoticed this beautiful boy naked in front of him . He tucked his arm under the pillow behind his head, his other hand absently running over the bite mark on his pec, and he traced the dip of Xavier’s lower back with his eyes, the two dimples over each ass cheek, and then smiled to himself at the redness of beard burn there, feeling very pleased with himself.

Sebastian heard the gasp of horror right before he saw Xavier pull out the gray and black motorcycle jacket.

“I wore it on a dare, puișor.” He said, and Xavier’s head whipped around to face him.

“Then why did you keep it?”

“I think I must have known, on some level, that you were going to see it and make that horrified face you’re making right now.” He grinned at him, barely holding back his laughter.

Xavier narrowed his eyes, mouth pinched and he took the jacket and dropped it into the discard pile.

“Come here,” Sebastian said softly.

“No I don’t think a man who would willingly wear that jacket deserves to touch me.” He reached over to the top of the dresser, extracted a cigarette from the pack there and used the silver lighter to light up.

Sebastian had succumbed rather easily to Xavier smoking in his apartment, mainly because there was this inherent erotism to how he did it, the smoke coming out from between those lips like a dancer moving slow and with intent. He pulled in a drag, then took the cigarette between his fingers, crossing his arm over his chest to rest his hand over his forearm, shifting his weight to one foot, exhaling slowly. They were both silent as they regarded each other, and Sebastian watched as a grin slowly grew over that wicked mouth.

“Come here, Xavier.” It was still soft, but firm and Xavier moved towards him immediately, falling down onto the bed, his upper body draping over Sebastian’s chest as he leaned forward to kiss him, mouth open, pushing the smoke from his lungs into Sebastian’s, then sat back to watch Sebastian slowly exhale it. He reached down to where Xavier was already half hard, palming his cock and then dragging his fingers up to the tip. Xavier shivered against him, eyes half hooded, and he had him, he was Sebastian’s.

“We’re going to be having a conversation about some of those clothes you think I’m getting rid of.” He raised an eyebrow at him.

Xavier’s brows came together at this, pulling off the smoke, and right when he was opening his mouth to refute this Sebastian gave his hardening cock a squeeze, making Xavier exhale a plume with a strangled noise.

The lube was on the bedside table, and all he had to do was glance up at it to make Xavier reach out a long willowy arm to grab it, pouring some of it in Sebastian’s palm.

“You can’t come until I tell you you can, puișor.” He said as he very slowly ran his thumb over the slit of Xavier’s cock, watching him pull in his bottom lip, his brows pulled together. “Not just now. All day today. You have to ask my permission, and I will tell you when you can.”

Sebastian waited for an argument, but instead Xavier dropped his head down to his chest and curled his body in towards Sebastian’s touch. This broke something in Sebastian, feeling this rambunctious, willful creature cede control to him.

Xavier whispered a "yes daddy" into his skin, and Sebastian could feel him tremble.

 

The plan had been to make breakfast. The reality of it, however...

Xavier laughed, and stuck his thumb into Sebastian’s mouth, dragging the little bit of berry staining the pad of his thumb against the rough edges of Sebastian’s bottom teeth.

They watched each other, charmed, as Xavier brought his hand back to his own mouth, next, and sucked off his thumb with a noise that was now deeply familiar to Sebastian.

“I am actually hungry.” Sebastian grinned and ran his tongue over his teeth.

Xavier squeezed Sebastian’s dick through his sweatpants, and countered, “Good thing I am making you a nice meal, hey, doudou.”

Then he turned, and faced the counter. Sebastian watched, grinning, as Xavier slid two thumbs under the elastic band of his underwear, and tugged them down over his ass. Once the elastic sat curved, caught under his cheeks, he resumed his pancake making.

Sebastian groaned and laughed - god help him - and stepped in close.

Both of his hands automatically went down to grab and squeeze, and that made him press closer, pushing his dick into the space between his hands as he bent to rest his chin on Xavier’s thin shoulder.

“Can I help?” he asked.

Xavier turned his head just until their noses almost bumped together, a serious look on his face.

“No.” The answer, and its simplicity, made Sebastian laugh again.

He was slowly learning to accept not doing it all.

Instead of helping, then, he echoed a soft, “Okay,” and trailed his fingers along Xavier’s tailbone, and then down, thumbs first. When he felt the dip of Xavier’s ass, the little bit of lube left from last time, an hour ago, he tilted his whole body forward, and groaned into the back of Xavier’s skull.

Xavier cut into the air with a breathless laugh when Sebastian slid two fingers in.

“I know you’re a completionist,” Sebastian murmured, watching as Xavier grabbed onto the edge of the kitchen counter, fingers squeezing. He pressed the length of his dick along the back of his own hand. “But you really need to hurry this up.”

Grinning, Xavier arched his hips, and looked at Sebastian from over his shoulder.

“Do I?” he asked. He bit his lip, and watched, still white-knuckling it around the curve of the counter, as Sebastian started to fuck him with his fingers.

Sebastian twisted his wrist back and stopped, groaning, stupidly turned on, as Xavier arched his hips and sunk back on Sebastian’s fingers without help. Then Sebastian looked down at the front of his sweatpants, material pulled in an outrageous shape over his dick, and laughed.

In the last 24 hours, he’d spent more time hard than he had soft.

Xavier was totally fucking with him now, too, rolling his hips slow and loving it, mouth open, eyes glazed. Sebastian knew that look.

He sunk all the way in, until the web between his fingers and thumb rested against Xavier’s ass. Then he put his free hand on the counter at their hips, so he was completely hung over and in and around Xavier’s body.

“Come on.” Xavier bit his lip and pouted. “Fuck me.”

That made Sebastian’s hips automatically buck forward, dick pressing back against Xavier’s ass. He felt himself starting to get lost in it.

Xavier made a bratty noise when Sebastian dipped close and tugged him back by the hips at the same time.

“I’ll let you have my dick.” Sebastian stretched over Xavier’s shoulder, which wasn’t much of a reach, and set the spoon Xavier had been using back on the cutting board in front of them. “But you gotta finish what you started.”

That tickled Xavier. Sebastian could see the twinkle in his eyes.

“You like it when I take care of you while you fuck me, doudou,” Xavier teased.

Sebastian actually didn’t know he liked that, but yes, yeah, it turned out he did. So he pushed his sweatpants down, nodding, and then groaned into it when Xavier tugged him over his shoulder for a kiss.

“If you stop, I stop,” he warned, leaning back to put a condom on.

There was another grin from Xavier, before he announced, “Un oeuf,” and held up an egg. Sebastian watched patiently as he cracked it into the bowl. He smirked, and tugged Xavier back by one hip, so he could line himself up. Then he pushed in just as Xavier said, “Deux oeufs.”

Sebastian watched as his dick slid in, and then looked up at Xavier’s groan.

It took Xavier a minute - his body was trying to curl over the counter so he could fuck himself back on Sebastian proper - but then he recovered, and rested one hand on the side of the mixing bowl. He got the spoon in his hand right as Sebastian pulled out, and sunk right back in.

They both groaned.

Xavier did get a pancake cooking eventually but it was distractedly poured, and strangely shaped, and the mix was a little bit lumpy. As it sizzled, Sebastian pressed Xavier down by the back of his neck, bending him over the counter, and fucked him relentlessly.

Sebastian came and then pulled out, leaving Xavier to pant and shake against the counter, left right on the edge.

“Maybe next time I should help you,” he joked after, as they stood there naked.

They watched as Xavier upended the pan, and flopped the burnt on one side, still raw on the other, cold pancake onto a plate.

Xavier looked shocked for a second, and then picked the franken-pancake up, and stuffed it into Sebastian’s happy, laughing mouth.

 

Sebastian went into the living room, still naked now that he realized that any clothing between him and Xavier didn’t stand a chance. He pulled open the curtains to let in the dim winter sunlight, then sitting down on the couch, long legs stretched out. He watched Xavier wander around his living room, fingers tapping against his lips as he inspected the overcrowded bookshelves.

“Where did you go to college, doudou?” He asked without turning around.

“How do you know I went to college?”

“Because these are school books. These are books that most people only read in school, and then keep on their shelves as adults to make themselves look smart.” He turned then, smirking at him, daring him to say any different. Sebastian laughed, caught out.

“Rutgers.”

“Hmm.”

Sebastian watched the shifting of the lean lines of Xavier’s bared back as he moved, the weight shifting in his legs, thighs flexing, moving with an innate grace, mesmerized by it, by every part of him.

“Oh what is this!” Xavier reached up on his tiptoes to pull out the Robert Mapplethorpe monograph. He turned with it in his arms, enraptured by this new discovery. “This isn’t even in print anymore and here it is, in your library.”

“It was a gift.” Sebastian felt that giddiness when Xavier looked at him like that, looking at him like he was a constant wonder.

“Ohhhh now, this is a story that I must hear.” He came and sat down on the ground in front of Sebastian, between his legs, placed the book on the coffee table in front of him. With reverent fingers he opened it at the beginning and began to page through it.

“I had a friend when I was younger, he gave it to me.” Sebastian sat forward to run his fingers down Xavier’s arms, cupping his elbows, pressing a kiss to that shell like ear.

“No there’s more to it than that.” Xavier stopped at the picture of two men in leather gear, in a living room, one in chains.

“He’d been in the film industry since the 60’s, worked with James Dean, Gore Vidal, and had known Mapplethorpe.”

He reached out then, turning it to the picture of Mapplethorpe naked, eyes forward.

“Mapplethorpe was young, just in his early 20's when he started taking pictures. He had a defined aesthetic right from the very start, a way that he saw the world that was uniquely his own and that got him so much attention.”

“Yes, just like me.” Xavier said with a cocky smile and Sebastian laughed at this impetuousness.

“Yes, just like you.”

“This friend.”

“Hmm.”

“More, Sébastien Stan.”

“I had met him when I was like 24, out in LA. He was a producer on a film that I had been cast in that ended up losing funding and never got made. He took me out to the bars there, though.”

“Yes and?”

“And I would go to his home sometimes, out in the Hills.”

“And?”

“And!” Sebastian laughed. “And! And!”

“And he fucked you!”

“No he did not.”

“Lying.”

“I’m not.”

“Yes you are. It’s okay, you can tell me. Was he good? Did he make you scream? Or were his old man balls too saggy?”

Sebastian pinched Xavier’s nipple at this, making him let out an indigent squeal.

“He never touched me.” He leaned down again, putting his mouth next to Xavier’s ear and saying very quietly, in a low tone. “He would lay in one of his loungers and watch me swim in his pool naked.”

“Sébastien Stan!” Xavier turned at that, his face full of surprised glee. “So dirty!”

It was Sebastian’s turn to smile proudly, and he saw the heat bloom over Xavier’s face.

“I liked it, you know. Him watching me. Wanting to see me. I would be hard the whole time.” He reached up to palm his cheek.

“Mon Dieu.” Xavier breathed out, his eyes going glassy.

“Afterwards I would sit on the edge of the pool by him and slowly jerk off, leaning back and closing my eyes and just feeling him looking at me, the heat of the sun on my body, making it last.”

Xavier turned his head enough to capture the tip of Sebastian’s thumb between his teeth, biting him, his cheeks flushed.

“I would think about Mapplethorpe, about the pictures in this book, about the men, about him, so beautiful, with such beautiful lines in his body, the span of his shoulders,” He ran one hand over Xavier’s, “and the softness of the skin of his chest, and that gaze, looking right at you.”

“I want to come.”

“I know you do, puișor.” Sebastian pushed the book to the side. “Sit up on the table and do it for me. Slowly.”

Xavier moved and sat on the table, legs falling open and leaning back on one hand, and reached out his other hand to Sebastian. Sebastian spat into his palm and watched Xavier move his hand to his cock, already wet and so hard it danced against his stomach. He looked at Sebastian with hooded dark eyes, mouth open as his breaths were already becoming fast and strained.

“Slower.” Sebastian leaned back, and watched. “Remember.”

“Not until you say.” Xavier’s eyes never left his.

“Good boy.”

 

It was later, the sunlight long gone. They’d spent most of that afternoon in the living room, at first fighting over what music to listen to, Xavier calling Arcade Fire old person music and making him listen to Fever Ray, smacking the phone out of Sebastian’s hand when he tried to change it back and straddling him on the couch, grinding up against him while he kissed him with aggressive intent until pulling back, breathless, looking at him expectantly until Sebastian agreed that, yes, this was really good music.

Xavier began to kiss him again, and slow kisses, leisurely, Sebastian running his hands over different points of Xavier’s body, the curves and the creases, feeling the bones under the skin, the rasp of hair. He ran his fingertip over each tattoo, and arched an eyebrow at Xavier, and sometimes he would tell him the story of it and something he would smile, closed mouth and shake his head.

Sebastian felt punch drunk off all of this physical contact, felt his body relaxing, melting, Xavier having him completely under a spell as he scratched his fingers through Sebastian's thick hair, pressing kisses under his ear, pressing his nose into his beard and breathing in his smell. He’d grasped Sebastian’s cock then, now as hard as it had been this morning, and looked for permission. Sebastian stroked Xavier’s cheek, smiling serenely at him and nodded.

This time it was all Xavier, delicate fingers rolling the condom on, and then straddling his lap again, positioning Sebastian and slowly taking him in. Sebastian watched the play of sensations across Xavier’s face, the furrowed brow as he adjusted to it and then the ecstasy as he moved back enough to have his dick hit his prostate. Mouth opening, he reached out and Sebastian took his hands. He’d opened his eyes then and they’d kept their eyes locked at Xavier fucked himself slowly, then quicker, grunting every time he dropped back down, until Sebastian took him by the waist and lifted him up and down himself easily, faster, until Xavier was begging and Sebastian took mercy on him, telling him yes and they were both coming then, strangled noises together, Xavier collapsing forward, the two of them gulping for air like they’d just ran a race that they both won.

 

They’d argued again over the clothes that Xavier wanted him to get rid of, Sebastian mainly being stubborn because he was starting to get addicted to getting Xavier riled up like this. Xavier had pouted then, gathering up all the clothes and shoving them back into the closet, closing it with a bang, lighting up a cigarette and falling back into the bed with as much gravitas as someone naked with an obvious erection can have.

When he looked up he saw the grin on Sebastian’s face and huffed at that, rolling his eyes, and taking an angry drag of the smoke. Sebastian dropped down to the bed then, and crawled up until he was between his legs, bent over to wrap an arm under each thigh, and tracing the roses along Xavier’s hip with the tip of his tongue. Xavier keened at this, wiggling in the hold. By the time he was coming down Sebastian’s throat, the cigarette, still pressed between his fingers, had long since burned down to the filter.

 

It was dark out, late, and Xavier was laying fully on top of him, his hands tucked up under his chin, arms in, his legs resting on Sebastian’s. They were quiet, Sebastian stroking along Xavier’s back slowly, repeatedly. He was blissed out, fucked out, sex addled. He had never come this much in his life, never made another person come this much. There was something beyond the sex though.

That affection, that easy back and forth, the wordless understanding, the ability to read one another’s bodies, the complete lack of shame or worry about the other’s responses to anything that they would do, that they would share, that respect and trust. This was something that came out of that fucking amazing sex, something that made the sex amazing in the first place. It was that light that had turned on when Sebastian had stood in front of this French boy for the first time. Everything, all of this, all of this between them, it was real. It was as tangible as the feeling of Xavier’s breath against his skin.

He felt Xavier start to loosen, his body starting to become slack as he dozed off, and then suddenly he jerked awake, body stiff.

“I don’t want to…” He started to pull back, to move off of Sebastian, but he wouldn’t let Xavier.

“Where are you going, puișor?”

“I don’t want to startle you again,” He said quietly, his face full of kindness. “I don’t want to confuse you when you wake up.”

Sebastian felt a surge in him then, so grateful for this creature, so gentle and so full of empathy and understanding. He pulled him back on top of him, wrapping his arms around him tightly to hold him close.

“No, no, no. You stay here.”

Xavier leaned his head back then so he could kiss him, then tucked himself back in. Sebastian reached out for the blanket that had almost fallen onto the floor and pulled it back up and over the two of them. He was just drifting off to sleep when he heard Xavier whisper.

“One day maybe you will tell me the story of it, of this man who broke your heart.”

 

 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My[ fic reference tag,](http://homicidalbrunette.tumblr.com/tagged/get-on-top) my [Xavier Dolan tag](http://homicidalbrunette.tumblr.com/tagged/Xavier-Dolan), and my [The New Sebastian tag](http://homicidalbrunette.tumblr.com/tagged/The-New-Sebastian) are regularly being updated on my tumblr, check them out!
> 
> And thank you so much for the kudos and comments!

“What’s going on with you?”

It was the next night and Sebastian was out for his friend’s birthday. They’d been drinking and talking for a few hours by that point, and even though all he had had was one glass of champagne, Sebastian had felt all of that bubbly energy inside of him. He could feel how hot his cheeks were, how his skin still felt like it was buzzing just under the surface, and he literally could not stop himself from smiling.

“What do you mean? Nothing’s going on.” He tried to brush off his friend’s question, ducking his head, turning it away.

“You’re so… happy.”

Sebastian laughed at this, loudly and fully, so much so that other people around them looked over. He shook his head, holding back what he wanted to blurt out.

_(Yes I’m happy, I’m so fucking goddamn happy, I’m high on it, my skin smells like this beautiful boy who I get to fuck, who worships my dick, whose mouth is the most exquisite thing that has ever touched my body and when I woke up I got to slip my cock into him and fuck him hard into my bed, draping my whole fucking body over his so every inch of him was covered by me and when he came he screamed out my name, begging for it, crying out for it, and I didn’t shower, I can still smell his scent all over me, and just that is making me hard.)_

His phone pinged just then.

_> Daddy, can I come?_

Fucking Jesus Christing hell.

“Hey guys, I gotta go.”

 

The next morning Sebastian woke up with his phone still clutched in his hand, the lube bottle rolled up against him, naked and tangled in his sheets. He’d been exhausted last night, watching Xavier touch himself through him phone, jerking himself off, press his own fingers into his ass, Sebastian’s name mixed in with _fuck_ and  _oui_ and then Sebastian following, making pained noises as he came all over himself.

He rolled over and stretched out his arm across the empty space next to him. He checked his phone and saw a text from Xavier.

_> Time to get up and work, doudou_

_> >Don’t want to_

_> Well you have to_

_> >Show me your dick._

_> I’m in an editing bay_

_> >Who cares_

_> No doudou_

_> Out of bed now_

_> Work on your script_

_> >Ok Ok_

_> >I’m going to try the car scene today_

_> >Can I send you the video of it and you give me some notes?_

_> Yes message me after lunch with it_

_> And wash your sheets_

_> I saw what you got all over them last night_

_> >Gonna add a little more right now before I do that._

_> Oh i didn't realize that you were actually a gross heterosexual man_

_> >Can’t talk anymore, gonna go fuck pussy and wear cargo shorts_

_> Good luck ever fucking me again_

Just for that, Sebastian took a dickpic and sent it to Xavier three times in a row, just to be sure he saw it.

 

Having an actor/director immediately on hand to bounce ideas off of was an unexpected bonus to having Xavier in his life. He was able to go through the Destroyer script with him a few times, and had Xavier critique the way he was working out the character, notes as an actor, and then as a director, telling him things that he wouldn’t have thought of.

There was a noticeable difference between acting and directing, Xavier said.

“So many actors think, oh I will stand here on the other side of the camera and I will film it and then I will be a director. It’s not that easy. What kind of story are you telling? And how do you want it to look? How is your directing different, how is it yours? It’s not about close ups or crane shots, it’s about how you see things.”

Sebastian had a moment of awe there, at Xavier, at his intelligence, his creative eye, at just how talented he was, how natural it was, that it wasn’t something that he got handed to him, it was innate, so much so that he was able to make a film when he was so young and have that vision executed perfectly.

He knew now that difference, between expecting to be able to do something and actually having the ability.

He took the script that he’d been working on with Chris this summer out of the drawer in his bedside table and looked at it, running his thumb over the dog eared pages, and then shoved it back in the drawer.

 

_> I have a present for you, Sebastian Stan_

_> I made something today for you_

He was eating some cold Thai take out left over from his day with Xavier, perched on his kitchen counter when he got the text. There was a video.

He opened it and saw himself.

 

Xavier had started to film him back when they were in LA. Sebastian had been sitting in front of the window in the sunlight, naked and stretched out on the sofa (“ _Oh doudou, your ass where so many asses might have been!”_ ) when he’d turned to say something to Xavier and saw him with his phone up. Sebastian had tripped over his words, blushing, embarrassed.

“What are you- I don’t-”

“You don’t what? Get filmed? You’re an actor.”

“No I don't know what to say when people record me.”

“People?”

“Fans.”

“Oh!!” Xavier swooned then, his voice all high and dreamy. “Oh Sebastian Stan!! Star of Marvel movies!! You are so gorgeous!!”

“Hey, you said basically the same thing to me on Instagram.”

“Ferme la bouche!” Xavier walked around him, kneeling down on the other end of the couch with the phone still up. “Besides they are all correct.”

Sebastian had ducked his head at that, smiling, and Xavier’s grin spread.

“That’s it.” He said, putting his phone down.

“What’s it?”

“Do not question your director before the final edit.”

And with that he’d leaned forward and kissed him and Sebastian had forgotten all about it until the next time, when they were at Saks and he realized that Xavier wasn’t just photographing him in each suit, that he was filming him too. The light was golden and soft and perfectly diffused around him in that private fitting room, reflecting off all the mirrors, all sound closed off and blanketed out by the thick carpeting. He’d caught Xavier’s eye over the phone, saw his arched challenging eyebrow.

Xavier was right. He was an actor, and he was being filmed by a director. So he’d gone with it, and not let it interrupt whatever he was doing. Every now and then he’d turn and see Xavier with his phone up, could see that look on his face, that focus, so intent. This was how Xavier took in the world, he realized. This was how he was able to pull out the beauty around him, to make those visually stunning films.

 

It was only a minute and half long, with _La Femme D'Argent_ by Air playing over it (this French band being one they had both knew and loved.) It was edited together so the music played perfectly with it, and there he was, laying back in the tub smiling, standing in front of the window in his living room, his profile lit by the light coming through the green curtains, in the dressing room with his chest pressed out as he regarded himself, with that confidence and swagger Xavier inspired in him, then the dim light of the bedside lamp golden on his face as he tried to talk even though he couldn’t stop laughing, then just his hand wrapped around Xavier’s wrist, thumb to forefinger, lose, a close up his pulse throbbing quickly in his neck as he strained towards orgasm, his hand as he unconsciously stroked his beard, then back to him talking, teasing, full of energy, his blue eyes clear and bright in the sunlight, his face so full of joy, like he had never seen it, like he never knew he could look.

He felt something catch in his chest when he watched this, when he saw this, when he saw himself as Xavier saw him. A warm wave came over him, an emotion so reassuring. That happiness, that lightness inside him, it was all there, clear and bright, and he felt, he saw that he was…

_> You are beautiful, Sebastian._

_> Know that._

_> >Thank you, Xavier_

 

When Xavier finally arrived in LA the night before the premiere, Sebastian made him have dinner with him in the hotel restaurant before they were alone together in his hotel room. It had been slow torture, but Sebastian had taken his time, ordering for them, appetizers, entrees and then dessert, this beautifully plated bit of something, that tasted like California, all oranges and sunshine. By the time they got into the elevator Xavier was on him, dragging him by his belt buckle into the room then slamming him back against the back of the closed door. He grabbed onto the edges of Sebastian’s button up, and paused briefly, looking up at Sebastian.

“Do it.”

And he tore Sebastian’s shirt open, buttons pinging off everywhere and they both started laughing at it.

“Un tel drame!” Xavier exclaimed, throwing his hands up and falling into a drama queen pose. “Now do my shirt!”

 

Sebastian had to do press the next day, and was still in the midst of it when he got back to the hotel around the early afternoon. Xavier had been out all morning, and Sebastian could see a suit bag from Tom Ford hanging on the door.

“Something subtle for this evening?” He joked as he inclined his head to the bag.

“Well partially.” Xavier had looked up from his phone then, tossing it aside and going to him.

“Impossible.” Sebastian leaned down and kissed him, just once, slowly, and then pulled back. Xavier made a noise of protest at that. “I’m not done doing press, puișor. I have to answer these emails from reporters.”

“I want it.” Xavier pouted and reached for the front of Sebastian’s pants.

Laughing, Sebastian intercepted both hands, and slid his thumbs along Xavier’s palms, until he could wrap them around Xavier’s wrists.

“I have to finish this,” he said, laughing again when Xavier looked at him with gigantic eyes.

“But I want it.” And with that, Xavier tried to wiggle his hands out of Sebastian’s hold.

Sebastian knew better. He’d had this trick pulled on him before. Instead of letting Xavier ply him, lead him by his dick, he tugged Xavier down and pressed a sweet kiss on his mouth.

Xavier let Sebastian kiss him, but also arranged his expression to look especially desperate.

“I know you want it,” Sebastian murmured, hands sliding down Xavier’s forearms until his fingers curved around his elbows. “And you can get it.” He pressed another kiss right where Xavier’s top lip was biggest. “Once I finish these emails.”

“How about I have it while you finish your emails?” Xavier countered, all of his fingers curled into the hair at the base of Sebastian’s head, near the nape of his neck and behind the shells of his ears - delicate, intimate spots. “I think you can’t say no to that.”

Sebastian smiled again, warm and small and private, just for Xavier.

“I never say no.” He kept his voice low, teasing. Xavier dipped under his chin, and kissed with his whole mouth along the curve of Sebastian’s jaw. Sebastian couldn’t help but groan in the back of his throat and then joke, “That’s why you’re such a pain in my ass.”

Xavier cracked up, and then leaned in, biting a little at Sebastian’s throat. Puișor.

“If you fuck me now, I will let you have five moments of peace,” Xavier promised, going for Sebastian’s fly again.

This time, Sebastian didn’t intercept when Xavier slid one hand under his waistband.

“Who taught you how to be such a brat?” Sebastian made another soft groan in the back of his throat as Xavier pressed along the base of his dick, holding it up flat against his belly, fingers against the length. Sebastian couldn’t help himself after that. He reached, and pulled Xavier in, close, by the back of his head, so they could kiss properly.

Xavier was proud of himself. Sebastian could tell by the way he curled his tongue.

“I am only a brat for you,” Xavier teased, pulling away from Sebastian’s mouth just enough to get the words out.

Smiling, Sebastian dipped back in for a kiss, and said, “I don’t think I believe that."

 

 


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanna dedicate these last two chapters to the amazing Sidnihoudini. This was such a fun amazing adventure, and I learned so much from her. I can definitively say that working with her has made me a better writer. With her I was able to have the most fun I've had in a very long time writing, producing all of this, including posting it on here within one month exactly. Here's to our baby!

_"Loving people doesn’t save them. Love has no say, unfortunately.”_   'Mommy', directed and written by Xavier Dolan (2014)

 

December 6th, 2017

 

Sebastian had been surprised when Xavier said he wasn’t going to do the press line but when he’d finally gotten through all of it himself, introduced the movie and sat down, Xavier was already sitting in the seat next to his, waiting for him.

“Oh hello,” Sebastian whispered as the movie started, smiling big at him.

“Bonjour monsieur. Ça va?” Xavier gave him that half grin.

“Ça va bien.” They held one another’s gaze, this bit of intimacy still present here amoungst so many people, industry people, people who were there to see Sebastian Stan, star of I, Tonya.

After the movie was over there was no time to ask what Xavier had thought of it. The only reaction that Sebastian had seen was when his character was physically assaulting Margot. Sebastian could never look at himself during this scene, no matter how he was trying to watch it. When he turned away, he saw Xavier’s face, the light of the screen playing off his wide eyes, brows deeply furrowed, bottom lip pulled in. Even though Sebastian hadn’t really seen this expression on his face before, he knew instinctively that Xavier was deeply upset and Sebastian responded by turning his head quickly away.

The rest of night, during the party afterwards, Xavier was there, but also at a bit of a distance. It was usually Sebastian who would go to him, talk to him, but inevitably would get pulled away by someone. When they finally got outside, Xavier was on his phone, smoking, and Sebastian could tell instinctively that he wanted to get out of there. He wanted to get out of there himself. Even though he’d been with Xavier all evening, he missed him. He was done with this, all of this, the people, the girls trying to get his attention, the PR person who was tailing him all night, the endless producers who all wanted to introduce him to this important person, the catty gay boys whose quick dismissal of Xavier made Sebastian want to laugh at their ignorance even while he felt his hackles raise.

When they had gotten back to the hotel, when it was finally just the two of them, Xavier was quiet. Sebastian knew him well enough by then to see that he was processing things, contemplating all he’d seen that night with those sharp, all seeing eyes. He felt his stomach tighten with nerves at this, at how Xavier was going to think about Sebastian and his life after seeing him out tonight, doing the work of the press and the premiere, and then with his friends.

Xavier went into the bathroom, still not talking, and Sebastian felt that tension hiking up his shoulders. He took his jacket off, loosened the tie and threw it on the bed, finally unbuttoning his top button, then the next two, kicking off the too tight dress shoes. There was a strange light outside, an unnatural glow.

He pushed open the patio door and saw Los Angeles burning.

It was too much then, all of it, the sucking need of LA, the constant posturing, everyone so desperate for validation. Everything here was so temporary, so false. No one could build a life here, not really. This whole town was built on false promises.

He moved one of the patio chairs with his foot so he was facing away from the orange glow and sat down, taking one of the cigarettes out of the pack on the low table that he had draped a leg over and lighting it up. Smoking in LA always felt redundant, like all he had to go was just breathe in and he would be filled with all of the same poison. But these were Xavier’s cigarettes, in a black box with an ornate skull on the front and like everything else about him, his cigarettes were honest in their intent while still being beautiful.

When Xavier stepped out on the patio he was wearing one of Sebastian’s sweaters, hanging off one shoulder, and a pair of his obscenely small underwear. He turned the other patio chair so it faced Sebastian’s, and then sat down, legs crossed, his crotch pressed forward, and Sebastian felt his mouth start to water.

They watched each other without talking, Sebastian smoking, Xavier still with that unreadable expression on his face. It wasn’t until Sebastian dropped the butt into the glass of the now flat Cherry Coke that Xavier had been drinking that morning that Xavier spoke.

“I liked meeting some of your people tonight, doudou.”

“I’m…. Thank you for meeting them.” Sebastian had been grateful, even though he’d not really been able to show it, felt flattered almost that Xavier wanted to meet Chace, Margot, his other LA friends.

“Chace, he is not, um, ‘out’?”

“Uhh, well, I mean, not like, he’s never really said…. But I think it’s hard for him.”

“Because he can not hide it. He is gay.” This was stated as the fact that it was.

“Yes.”

“Why is he not open about it?”

“It’s been hard for him to get work, and I think, I mean, I don’t know, I haven’t ever asked him.”

“Why not?”

“I just, I don’t know, it’s not any of my business.”

Xavier gave him a long quiet look then, and let the words Sebastian had just said be the answer.

“Yeah.” Sebastian said quietly.

“Did you meet him in the scene here?”

“Do you mean did we date?”

“No, doudou, I mean did you meet him when you were going to the bars here with your friend who liked to watch you swim and never fucked you.”

“No, I met him years ago, in New York, when we were both starting out. He’s only ever been my friend.”

“I know that. He wants you though.”

This stopped Sebastian, unable to compute it. Xavier leaned forward and took a cigarette out, placing it on his lip and letting it hang there until Sebastian got the hint and lit it for him. He took in a big inhale and then let it out slowly as he sat back, moving one of his feet out to curl onto Sebastian’s knee on the table.

“This movie I am making,” Xavier said as a seeming non sequitur, “it is about an actor who has always been seen as straight and then it is revealed that he is gay. He has always played the hero, the masculine ideal, and then all of that is thrown into question.”

Sebastian knew this, had been following this movie since he first heard about this premise. They hadn’t talked about it, though, because Sebastian didn’t want to to be the one to bring it up, and Xavier’s silence about it was something he wanted to respect, thinking it was part of his process.

“I have thought a lot about this, this specific idea.” Xavier continued. “Not just an actor coming out, or an actor who has had their sexuality implied but never directly stated, but an actor whose popularity is based on his masculinity having this sudden reveal. Not so much an actor, you see, but a movie star.” He said, gesturing to the Justice League billboard prominently displayed on the street corner by the hotel, at Henry Cavill’s Tom of Finland perfect face. “Superman being played by a homosexual, for example. Or maybe Captain America.”

Sebastian felt a sharpness in his gut.

“They were asking you tonight about Avenger movies. They said that you might be Captain America.” Xavier’s voice was softer, kind.

“Yeah, I don’t know…”

“Do you want this?”

He’d been asked this so many times over the years, and here, finally, he could be honest.

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because then I wouldn’t be me anymore.”

“You would be Captain America.”

“Yes.”

Xavier laid his head to the side, smiling softly as him, twirling the cigarette between his fingers. He gently rubbed his toes over Sebastian’s calf, and waited.

“And Captain America can not be with other men.” Xavier said then, and Sebastian took in a deep breath. He couldn’t look at Xavier anymore. He dropped his head forward then, scratching his fingers through his hair absently.

“No. No he can not.” There was more sadness than Sebastian realized there was going to be in his voice, and it wasn’t the sharpness of grief, nor the need to hide his emotions that was there now. This place, this space between him and Xavier, there was acceptance and understanding, a level of it that Sebastian had never had before with another person. In this space he felt things coming to the surface.

“You asked me about the story, of the man who broke my heart.” He still couldn’t look up. “I did have….. A man did break my heart. This year, this spring, this summer, I had, I was…. it was, he was… ”

“It was Captain America.”

There was a hand laying gently on his foot now, and he looked up to see Xavier looking at him with such compassion and suddenly it was all there, tumbling out of him.

“Yeah, yeah it was… It was Chris. We were… Every time we were in a Cap movie we would be…. together. Not together together. Just… together a lot, like filming and then press. But then, there was this other part… We would be…. The first movie, that was the first time. He wanted me, and I wanted him and it was so good, he had been so gentle… he was so scared, he was so unsure, and he would just, he would just melt for me. I would hold him and he would be safe, that’s what he would say, that it was the only time he felt safe. I think that was why he wanted me, because he’s so… he struggles with so much anxiety. I just…. I wanted to be with him. He was so… good. He was such a good, honest man. He was so funny, and just every emotion right on the surface, and I just, I, god, I fell for him so hard. Then the movie was done and you know this thing that happens, like summer camp, you are best friends, always together and then nothing.”

He picked at the button on his cuff , unable to look up, as he went on.

“I didn’t see him again for over a year, and then the second movie, we were together even more, months of training and he was so much more into me, and god, I had thought nonstop about him since the first movie, and I just, I let him do what he was able, what he wanted, but he was still scared, always so scared, and so was I. They, Marvel, Disney, they are like this omnipresent force. Always there, always watching. We would never, we were always just friends and never would we be anything more, especially not in public, but then it would be him and I and I would get to touch him and take care of him and, god, I knew then, I knew that I loved him, he was it, I loved him. But that was something I couldn’t say, that was something I had to keep to myself. This was just about, this was a friendship, and I knew he wanted me, but it was more about that comfort for him. And then when we did the press I got to be with him, and he was just, he was a lifesaver. I was so overwhelmed and just lost, and he’d be there, keeping me focused, helping me, I just, I wouldn’t have been able to do it without him.”

He dug his knuckles into his eyes, wet with tears, but he had to say it all.

“The third movie was even bigger and there was so many, there were so many more people involved, and I just hung on to him, and he, he loved it, he loved having that attention, I could see it, and he started to let me, he would finally really be with me, and I would just, god, I wanted it, and he would touch me and it wasn’t just friendship that time, it was more, and the last night we were together I told him that I loved him and he just, he just said nothing.”

Sebastian took a deep shaky breath in, leaning forward to rest his elbow on his knee.

“I thought that would be it, you know. That was going to be all there was. Then these movies, these two fucking movies.” He snorted in derision then. “They’re monstrous. They’re like, they’re like these huge Hollywood movies that are so big that they can’t support their own weight so either they’re going to break open and spill everywhere or collapse inward like a star. I don’t know which way they’re going to go. I do know that they will make so much money, more money than I could possibly comprehend, and that it the only thing that really matters. These studio people, and then the actors, Chris and everyone, they are so rich from these movies. It’s just… I think about the idea of this bleeding of money, of these few dozen people getting so much while so many others have nothing, but it’s just, it’s, this is it, this is the whole problem that’s crippling the world, and… And then everyone talks to me like I am going to be a part of it, and I think, god, please, no. I look at how miserable Chris is, how trapped by all of the expectations that come with all of this money, and I just want to run away from all of it.”

He sat back then, and the last of it came out of him.

“We were going to, him and I… We were going to get out of it. He’s done now, he’s fulfilled his contract. He found this script and he wants to…. He said he wanted to…. We spent the spring together, on and off, and it was like it was before, but more so. We were always, I got to be with him so much…. And then he had to leave, he was gone for two months and I thought, well this is like before, he’s gone, we’re done again, but then he was texting me, we were talking all the time. He was so far away, in South Africa filming, but he was more with me than he’d ever been. We would talk on the phone for hours, about everything. And then we started to talk about the future. He had a script, and we were going to come here and be together and work together and it was going to happen, it was, it was going to happen. He was so happy and he told me finally that he loved me, that this fall we could finish these movies and then next year he would be free, he could take all of that good will he has, the way people just know that he is a good man, that he really is Captain America, that he is so just and good and wants to help, that he was going to use that and I was going to help him, and together we were going to be… just be us. Be us. Be together, really together. He said… he said he would. He promised it. And I was ready. I was so ready. But then…. Then there was… just nothing. Silence.”

Sebastian couldn’t go on then, the tears finally falling down his cheeks, shuddering inhales, and he was just broken open then.

“But It was real.” He said quietly, turning to face the fires. “It was.”

He felt it leave him, finally. The truth, the tangible feeling of a broken heart, finally acknowledged. All of those emotions, it had been grief cycling through him since that silence.

Chris had treated him so badly, unthinkingly, and it had hurt him, hurt him more than all of the other times where Chris had cast him aside, because this time the stakes had been high, and the promise of love had been there. And because this time, Chris didn’t even have the courage to lie to him.

He turned back then to Xavier, unsure, but there was nothing but empathy on his beautiful face, that understanding there like it had always been between them. Xavier, sweet, kind, joyful, silly, sharp, smart Xavier. He’d been a bright light, sweeping in with this huge wave of change that had come into Sebastian’s life over the last few months, taking him from his broken hearted loneliness to this, to accolades and attention and awards and this feeling of being special, important, beautiful, of being confident and strong and in control, of always being challenged and knowing he was capable of it.

It wasn’t that though, not just that, Xavier wasn’t just a player in Sebastian’s life, he was his own undeniable force to be reckoned with. Without him even having to say this though, Xavier saw it, was standing up and crawling into Sebastian’s lap, wrapping legs around his waist, tangling his fingers into the hair curling up on the back of his head. He pressed a kiss to each damp eyelid, wiping the tears away with his thumb, smiling with just a little bit of cheekiness.

“Xavier, I don’t want you to think that I’m using you, I’m not, you are so, you are so different, so unexpected, you are beyond anything I thought I would ever….”

“Shh, doudou, shh.” He kissed him then, fully, slowly, silencing him, then pulled back to look at him. “I know I am not a rebound. I am here to witness your renaissance.”

This made Sebastian let out a watery laugh of disbelief, but he couldn’t deny it.

“Besides, doudou, all writers are soul siphoners. What I am getting from this, this moment of transformation in your life, I am greedy, a vampire, I am taking it in and making it mine. You will see, it will be looking back at you on a movie screen. Probably acted out by a much more talented actor than you. Probably me.”

He smiled wide then and it made Sebastian break out into laughter, shaking off the last bit of sadness and immersed again in that giddiness, that joy. He put his forearms under Xavier’s ass and lifted him, tipping him forwards so Xavier had to balance himself with his hands on Sebastian’s shoulders.

“I hate this place, Los Angeles. It is so…” Xavier wrinkled up his nose, looking around at the smog, the fires, the bright garish lights. “Heavy handed. Flimsy. Insubstantial.”

He bent down then, sitting in Sebastian’s hold, stretching his arms out, his face close, eyes looking deep into his, that contemplative look on his face again.

“What?”

“Thank you for telling me this.” He said it with complete brevity, honoring what Sebastian had disclosed to him. Sebastian nodded, almost instantly caught up in contemplating this beautiful face. He watched as the smirk curled up those lips.

“What?”

“Time for middle aged men to go to bed.” He said, but didn’t move, rather raised his eyebrows expectantly. Sebastian huffed out a laugh, still delighted by how consistently committed to being a brat Xavier was.

“Hold on tight.” He said, and that was all the warning he gave as he stood up, not holding onto Xavier, who instantly squealed and gripped onto Sebastian with his forearms and thighs, hanging off his neck and hips like a monkey.

“Why are still wearing pants doudou?”

 

 


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and here we are at the end - but not really. [Check out Sidnihoudini's amazing story next in this series, so perfectly done from Chris's POV.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/13234965/chapters/30273723)

He was fever hot still, his whole body flushed and slick with sweat, Xavier’s come covering him from groin to neck. Xavier was sitting on him, and Sebastian was inside him, could feel that pulling in on his dick.

He’d watched as Xavier had ridden his dick with open mouth abandon, head tipped back, hand moving over his own cock, using Sebastian’s dick to get himself off while Sebastian laid back and not helped, working himself up until he came all across Sebastian’s chest. That had been too much in the end, that feeling of Xavier’s come shooting over his skin as he’d let out these breathy curses. Sebastian’s dick had twitched deep inside Xavier, and he knew that he’d felt it.

Xavier, being the little shit he was, began to carefully move himself up and down on Sebastian’s cock again, this time with intent, smirking at him. Sebastian reached up to cup Xavier’s ass, not to guide him, but because he could not get over how perfectly each globe fit in his palm.

“Do you know the story of Saint Sébastien?”

This was it too. It wasn’t just the visceralness of their sex, or the physicality of it. It was being kept on his toes keeping up with Xavier, with his sharp genius mind.

“I know about the paintings of beautiful twinks being pierced by arrows looking like they’re in the middle of the greatest bukkake ever.”

“What is - bukkake?”

“Google it and find out.” Sebastian gave Xavier his most shit-eating grin, to which Xavier responded to by pulling himself up and off his dick.

“Okay, I’ll go check on my phone right now.” He said with wide eyed innocence, poorly placed in the current situation considering. Sebastian held onto his hips firmly and Xavier couldn’t move. They had a silent stand off, then, eyes locked, seeing who was going to break first, but Sebastian refused to be moved. Finally Xavier rolled his eyes, like it was all such a chore, and reached back to position Sebastian’s dick again, slowly sinking down until he was seated. Sebastian took in a deep shuddering breath as he did, trying to keep himself composed.

“Tell me about Saint Sébastien.”

“He was a soldier, in the Roman army. He was close to the Emperor, his, you know, bodyguard. I guess that’s what Catholics called it back then. He had to hide his faith from him though, even though he was secretly converting many soldiers. When the Emperor found out the truth he ordered that he be taken out to a field outside Rome, where he was bound to a stake, and shot full of arrows.” Xavier reached out a long elegant finger and spread his own come across Sebastian’s abs, pressing in like a wound on one side, the higher up on the other side, then in the sternum. “He was dying for God, for his truth. He looks like that because in that moment, the agony of being pierced was the ultimate ecstasy. It is the closest to God you could get, to be a martyr.”

He bent forward then, changing the angle, biting his lower lip as he tipped his head back, grinning.

Sebastian fucked up into him with purpose now, and thrusting so hard that Xavier started to bounce around, giggling. Sebastian ran his hand down his own torso, gathering up all the sweat and come and reaching out to grab Xavier’s still half hard dick.

“Again.” He told Xavier and with dick drunk eyes, Xavier looked down at him and nodded.

 

“Did you like the movie?”

Sebastian had to ask. He was going to wait until Xavier said something, but now, after he’d made himself so vulnerable to him, he had to know.

They were laying next to one another on the bed, sated for the moment and cleaned up. (“ _Oh doudou so tired_ ,” Xavier had cooed at him, using a wet facecloth to wipe all off the mess on Sebastian’s chest, then standing up and with a wide open mouth of mischievous glee at his own self, used it to wipe his ass. Sebastian had burst out laughing then, not scandalized anymore, now completely along for the ride.)

He came back after and laid down next to Sebastian, but not touching him, and that quiet between them was there again, this companionable silence, this moment between that moment and the next. These moments where this thing between them was becoming bigger, something beyond just fucking.

“Yes.” Xavier finally answered, then said nothing more.

“Okay then.” Sebastian said, weakly joking, but also feeling himself pull in. Before any real sense of fear could form though, Xavier was talking again, telling him this deeply thought out, beautifully detailed critique of the movie, the writing, the story, the way it was shot, and then finally how amazing Sebastian had been.

“You scared me.” Sebastian turned his head then to finally look at him.

“Really?”

“Yes.” Xavier looked back at him, that diffused orange glow from outside lighting his face up, making him look so young, so sweet.

“Yeah, I think…. I scare myself when I watch it.”

“That’s how you know you did a good job.”

Xavier rolled into him then, tucking himself into Sebastian’s side, hooking his ankle on Sebastian’s calf. He reached out again, pressing into those same martyrdom wounds that he’d pushed into him earlier.

“You know, how you were treated, by this Chris, it was unfair.” He said it softly, and with this note of something, something that was unfamiliar to Sebastian and new from Xavier.

“I, I don’t think it -”

“I know you want to defend him. And I know you have very much in your mind the motivations behind his actions, all of them, the good, the not so good, even the bad. But you, I’m talking about you in this situation. He treated you poorly. With disregard. He, his responses to you, or lack there of, there were disrespectful of you, and of your feelings. Those things that he said he wanted with you, of course you believed him. And then he left you with nothing. Just like he always has. He would pull things from you, comfort, affection, love, attention, and then he would just leave you. That is not fair to you. I do not know him. I do not know your relationship. But I do know about you, and how all encompassing it is to have you, this way.” He reached out, smoothing his fingertips down Sebastian’s side. “I believe that he wanted that, because it made him feel safe, and good. But I don’t think he realized what he should have been doing for you. About what you needed.”

Sebastian took in a big breath, his chest expanding, pulling in these words. He had always wondered, had always had in the back of his mind this suspicion, but could never actualize it without feeling cruel, unfair.

“You are your own person, with your own talents, and goals. You are so… bright. So kind. You draw people to you, chérie, I saw it tonight. These people in your life, they adore you. They would do anything for you. And you are so gracious. You never take anything or anyone for granted. You never once wave around your influence and walk over someone else. This is something, tonight, that I learned about you. It was merveilleux. I am lucky to know you.”

Sebastian’s head went up at this. He had to look at Xavier’s face, had to know that he meant this, even though there had been no doubt in his tone. Xavier looked up at him, those sharp dark eyes, like that first night, where he’d looked at Sebastian and everything had become real.

Sebastian felt a flush come over him at this, and something inside him twinged, something that had been there for a while suddenly making itself known.

“Thank you,” he murmured, soft in this space that was just them.

Xavier brought his chin up so he could kiss him, just once, and then tucked himself back into Sebastian’s collarbone.

He laid back again, bringing up his hand to cup the back of Xavier’s head, his other one wrapped around himself and holding onto him, fingers splayed over the dip of his lower back. He watched Xavier curl a hand around his forearm, tight. Protectively.

It fell into place then, that tone in Xavier’s voice, that one that was new but unrecognizable.

He could feel Xavier’s breathing starting to even out as he started to drift off to sleep, and he held him close. What Xavier said, about Chris, about what he’d done, Sebastian knew that it had come from a good place, but it wasn’t all true. Chris cared about him, he loved him. The distance was something that Chris hated, something he struggled with, and only with Sebastian’s help was he able to overcome it in those few moments.

Then he started to remember the times over the years where Sebastian thought that they might have something beyond the movies, whatever it was. He remembered texting Chris after they hadn’t seen each other for months after filming and asking if they could hang meet up. Chris said Sebastian should come to Boston, but had been vague about it. When he had asked for a date that would be good Chris took three weeks to answer with ‘whenever!’

Xavier was right, he did know all the reasons why Chris acted this way. But he’d seen him change over the years, watched him become more confident. Just this summer, when he’d been filming he told Sebastian that he -

This stopped him. It had been when he’d found out that I, Tonya was going to be screening at TIFF. He’d been so excited to tell Chris, but when he’d messaged him Chris had told him about how he was hoping to get this script he wanted to direct ready for TIFF next year because he knew it was going be a big hit.

It was such a small slight, but it had hurt Sebastian. He’d instantly chastised himself for being selfish, and instead spent the rest of the conversation talking about how Chris could use the press for Infinity War to get buzz going for his project, and eventually was so happy to hear that confidence in his voice that he’d forgotten about his own feelings. Now, though, he remembered it. He remembered how he never really talked about I, Tonya after that, and that Chris had never asked.

“Doudou I can hear you thinking.” Xavier’s voice was soft, sleepy mumbles. “What is it?”

“Chris loved me. I know he did.”

“Of course. He loves you still, like you still love him.”

“Oh.” Sebastian didn’t know what to say to that.

“You will always love each other. You are both a big part of one another’s stories. But that does not dictate happiness, not in the long run, not when you had and have only distance.”

“Chris, he’s… He’s just so… He tries to… ” Sebastian stopped, already realizing he was doing it again, making excuses. He took in a deep breath and then whispered “He did. He did hurt me.”

And then there it is. The truth, finally.

“He hurt me so badly. I don’t know if I can…. Not just this summer. He hurt me, again and again, these little moments…”

“Death by a thousand cuts.”

“Yes.”

“Little things that seemed petty in the moment.”

“Yes.” When he’d not remembered Sebastian’s mom’s name. How he never remembered how Sebastian took his coffee. When he didn’t text him on his birthday that one year. How he always drank all of Sebastian’s beer, and then pushed at him until he would get up and get them both another one. How he never once asked him about the other movies Sebastian was in.

“Would he be there for you, before this, if you needed him?”

Sebastian remembered then, a bright flash of that night at the beginning of September, when Chris was supposed to have been arriving at his place, getting off the plane at JFK, and coming to his apartment and they were going to be together. He remembered how he had waited, apartment all cleaned up and ready, Sam Addams in the fridge, the bottle of Dom Perignon that Sebastian had been saving for years now for a special occasion chilling next to the beer, clean sheets on the bed, all of the different shirts that he had tried on until he settled on the first one he’d picked out. How he’d sat there, waiting, legs bouncing with excitement and nerves, checking his phone. How a half hour late turned into an hour late and he’d panicked, terrified that something had happened, that the plane had-, the taxi had-, maybe someone had-, and he’d checked the news, actually looked it up to see. Then finally realizing no, nothing had happened to stop Chris from being there. Chris had stopped himself from being there. And then he’d sat there, knowing, finally, that he wasn’t coming.

“I wouldn’t even think to ask him.” Sebastian quietly admitted.

“You are strong, chérie. You have built up so much strength through all of these little pains, and now you are tough because of them. And now you are here, in this moment in your life, everything coming together for you, and you have that strength to thank.”

Sebastian took that in, but couldn’t speak then, his throat tight with so many emotions, that sadness of the memory of that crushed hope mixed with the knowledge that he had survived that, that he was now in the middle of one of the greatest periods of his entire life.

He stroked the back of his fingers down the soft skin on Xavier’s arms, over the black shades of the tattoos there. He traced the snake with his fingertip, down to the scrawled _I must not tell lies_ on the back of Xavier’s elegant hand, smiling then, at Xavier’s unfettered devotion to all of these big pop culture things. He felt that lightness inside himself, felt the shiver of those memories chased away in this warm bed with Xavier.

“It was nice, having you meet Chace. I would…. You should meet some more of my friends. I have these amazing group of people in the city, artists and designers, you’d love them. And Mackie, Anthony Mackie, he’s in the Marvel movies with me, oh my god, you and Mackie together, you would be fucking ridiculous.” He caught himself then. “I mean, if you want to meet more of my friends.”

“Of course I do, doudou. They are all so very attractive.”

Sebastian laughed, poking Xavier in the side and the two of them tustled a little bit, half heartedly, turning so that they were angled towards each other.

“You know, St Sébastien didn’t die of those arrow wounds.” Xavier said.

“Really?”

“No. When a Roman woman went to take his body and prepare it for burial she found him still alive, despite all those arrows. She took Sébastien back to her home, and cared for him, and brought him back to life.”

Xavier let the meaning of this sit in the air between them.

“No he didn’t die until later, when he went and found the Roman Emperor and threw shade at him.” Xavier said, breaking the moment.

“What?”

“Yeah he went and called him out. So the emperor had him seized and beaten to death with clubs.”

“Well that seems…”

“Yes, it ruins the metaphor, does it not?”

He could feel Xavier’s giggling by the shaking of his shoulders in his arms.

“Cheeky brat.”

“Yes.” Xavier paused then, and Sebastian could feel his fingers tracing shapes over his chest. “Do you know where there is the most beautiful St Sébastien statue is?”

“Where?”

“In Rome. In a glass coffin, all lit up, the marble muscles shining, forever locked in beautiful sleep, waiting for his prince, like Snow White. He’s couché, laying on his back, knee up, with his hand just so.” Xavier placed his hand on over the middle of Sebastian’s chest, over his heart, poised, protectively. “It is very erotique, like you, doudou, when you are lost to it. I think we need to go see him. Go see your Saint. I will break open the coffin and kiss him and bring him back to life.”

He imagined it then, that dark and ancient smell all around them, the sense of time stretching back millieneums in the streets and buildings around him, that sense of the Old World that Sebastian remembered from when he was very young. He imagined walking through Rome, with Xavier next to him, laughing, teasing, touching, pulling him to him, pressing him against those ancient walls.

“Yes, we should go.” It was out of his mouth before he could fully actualize how much he wanted it.

“Next week, doudou. Let’s go next week.” And like that, it could happen. It would happen. They were going to-

“I can’t.” He sighed. “I have to go….I have to go to Atlanta next week.”

“Father Marvel and his demands.” Sebastian snorted softly at this truth. “I’m coming too.”

“What?”

“To Atlanta.” Xavier, there, with him. It would be so amazing, he could- “Your attractive friend Anthony Mackie is there?”

Sebastian laughed. “Yeah, I mean, probably.”

“And the large blond Australian god.”

“Hemsworth?”

“Hmmm, yes, Hemsworth.” Xavier purred, making Sebastian laugh even louder.

“You’re going to look like a wee little mouse next to him.”

“Hmmm, yes, I will. Be careful doudou, I might forsake you for him.”

“I wouldn’t blame you if you did.”

“Are you okay with me being there if Chris is also there?” There was no accusation in the question, no demand. Sebastian hadn’t even thought of it, that Chris might be there, probably would be there. This surprised him, that it wasn’t the first thing he considered.

He was tired of having to always consider Chris. Of always having to make sure that he was going to be okay. Of putting his own life on the back burner while Chris’s needs were always the most important. He wanted everyone to meet Xavier, he wanted Scarlett and Mackie and Robert and Hemsworth to know him. He wanted them to see that he was happy, to see him with this brilliant, beautiful boy who seemed just as infatuated with Sebastian as he was with him. That motivation was pure, without vindictiveness. Sebastian realized he wasn’t being selfish. He was considering his own needs and for the first time he wanted to make that the most important thing.

“It will be up to him how he deals with it.” Sebastian said, with no rancor or sadness, rather with acceptance.

“So I’m coming?”

“You can be.” Xavier batted Sebastian’s hand away from his dick.

“To Atlanta, doudou.”

“Yes.” Sebastian said, rolling them so he was over Xavier then. “Yes I want you there. With me.”

Xavier looked up at him, and even in the dark Sebastian could see that smile, and he returned it, naturally, fully.

“And then Italy?”

“Yes.”

“And then?”

“And then you have a movie to do. And I have a movie to do.”

“Maybe we can have a movie to do together.” Xavier bit his bottom lip after he said it, and Sebastian could see the ideas forming behind those dark eyes. “What would I want my doudou to be, to do in front of my camera, I wonder.”

“You know, I have something…” Sebastian could hardly believe he was saying it. “I mean…. Years ago I started to write-writing out, I had this idea….And I’ve been, you know… ”

“I wanna read it.” Xavier’s eyes were lit up at this, excited.

“Really?”

“Yes. Absolutely!”

“Uh, yeah, you can then.” Sebastian felt shy all of the sudden, bashful of this thing he had been too nervous to really show anyone. Xavier giggled at this, bringing his hands up to his cheeks, pulling him in and kissing him again.

“Doudou?” Xavier’s smile had turned deadly, and he felt him wiggling under him. “Can I come?”

Sebastian reached up to run his fingertips over the lines of Xavier’s face, the brow bone, the pert upturned tip of the nose, the sinful shape of the mouth.

“Yes, puișor.”

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Fall in love/lust with the bundle of silly and unabashed sexuality that is French Canadian director/actor Xavier Dolan [here on my tag on tumblr for him](http://homicidalbrunette.tumblr.com/tagged/xavier-dolan), and check out [The New Sebastian](http://homicidalbrunette.tumblr.com/tagged/the-new-sebastian) for just how much happier he's been, and [my Get On Top tag for the references used in this story.](http://homicidalbrunette.tumblr.com/tagged/get-on-top)I've also made [a Spotify playlist for this fic that I listened to while writing it.](https://open.spotify.com/user/jeanjeanieramsay/playlist/6uwceGrlbS7zWAyAeA2ZAk)


End file.
